Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

For this child I prayed August 21, 2010

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him ~ Samuel 1:27

For this Etsy seller here (dear Etsy seller, you know that I know and now the readers know I didn’t accept any gifts in exchange for this shout out, I’m just in awe of your product and will be ordering one SOON, your choice of Adde is what caught my eye!)

For this amazing seller go here (same goes for this seller, not paid, just in awe!)

Why am I cruising Etsy and all hours of the night? Because I’m a hopeless night owl, which is of course a nice word for insomniac!  I had an overly stressful day, but the thought of these children our “Addison or Brennan” they are what helps me continue on.  They will be the gift, that I will be given for perseverance  in the face of so much that is working against us.  Their souls, those little beings waiting in the wings for us to put everything into place for them to arrive is so much motiviation! I will never be able to describe how much I want to see them.

We are on the brink of an anniverary,  the loss of my first husband to cancer.  It’s been 7 years.  When I see the number 7 I am taken aback.  How can that be?  He’s been gone longer from our daughters lives than he was in them.  That fact breaks my heart.  Someone told me recently on FB that I’d come and gone a long ways since high school.  I completely agree with that statement.  I’ve been taken to places I never dreamed anyone could go let alone me.  But now we, Michael and I are traveling into uncharted waters, we at the age of…..well let’s just leave that out are about to start over with parenting.  We go backwards quickly in time to day 1. Diapers, formula, what are they supposed to be doing and when?  Just when I think that will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done….I remember, no, no the hardest thing I have ever done, and hope to ever do was trying to explain that the father the girls loved would never ever be alive on this planet again.

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W.D.T. August 19, 2010

Filed under: What is doing Thursday — bloggingreluctantly @ 9:16 pm
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  • The weather finally (FINALLY) blessed us with some less than 90 degree temps…until today. Welcome to Thursday, the humidity is ungodly and it’s f’ing HOT. SAD.
  • My new glasses have arrived, let’s see if I can pick them up! Did I mention I left the “good” pair on Mackinaw Island in May and was forced to wear my less than sexy specs…until Tuesday when I smashed them during a fight with my husband.  Yep. Anger management. I need that when I’m given more nonsense than I can handle. He was wrong I was right.  And if he wants to “go” again I’m game.  He does not want to go…as far as I know!
  • My daughter turned 14 years old on Tuesday. Can you believe it! 14! She has the attitude of a 30-year-old!
  • I’ve fallen out of the habit of going to the gym kids…..I’m going to TRY to get back on the wagon…or the treadmill. Wish me luck!
  • I’m taking suggestions for our annual birthday photo.  He’s going to be 35, I of course will be 34.  What is something witty, and fun.  I’ve got a couple of ideas rolling around the noodle.
  • I survived a Wal-Mart conference call today. It wasn’t too bad, and I am happy to say I even got a Robin rocks compliment.  Wal-Mart is not prone to extra compliments.  They are after all, Wal-Mart. Their motto is Go F-Yourself!  No kidding that is how they are!
  • All of my little beings will be back in the crib tonight. I cannot wait.  Sure they push my buttons and drive me nuts….but….I’d have it no other way.
 

Weekly Winners August 16, 2010

Filed under: Weekly Winners — bloggingreluctantly @ 2:09 am

 

Water running out of our A/C unit, it was crazy humid here.

Shadows on the house, I loved the light.

I’m totally addicted!

A moment of silence for the lap top. SAD.

For AWESOME photos click over to LOTUS to check out other weekly winners

 

What’s doing Thursday…the I am so gonna puke one. August 13, 2010

Filed under: What is doing Thursday — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:54 am
  • I made the mistake AGAIN and tried to eat normal food.  You know that blissful happy stuff that nourishes your bodayyy.  Welp I cannot eat anything any more.  I really REALLY can’t.  It down right makes me stabby. 
  • I spent all day yesterday sick, I even called into work and let me tell you it’s gotta be REALLY bad for me to stay home.  
  • The IRONY of the statement above is that while I called in and didn’t go to work, the building lost power SO everyone went home.  HA!
  • I was blessed with the opportunity to do some corporate photos this week.  Amazing Ya’ll.  I’m pretty excited about it!  I’ll be taking photos for a financial planning company who just happens to be inside a fancy shmancy building down town G.R.  AND the person that asked me is a beautiful person, who I adore! Win-Win.
  • It is STILL TOO HOOOOOOT.  Oh my GAWD so over it, so cannot wait to have sweaters and jeans on.
  • We need to start thinking about back to school, we haven’t and aren’t even remotely prepared.  How are you doing on that blog-o-sphere?

All in all this week has kind of sucked, it’s been emotional at times, dull at others and basically just another week in the life of us.

 

Death August 11, 2010

Filed under: I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 7:31 pm
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I haven’t covered my losses much on this blog, I have on my other now defunct blog,  because I can’t sign in I won’t direct people to it because I can’t moderate my comments soooo let’s just start over here…shall we!  The subject of death is intrinsically connected to me and who I am now.  It has shaped me, changed me, not always for the better.  Honestly it changed me for the worse a couple of times.  I’m more scared, and more unsteady than I ever was prior to the debilitating losses I’ve suffered.  I also learned a whole lot about my fellow humans through the losses.  That also made me harder. 

Regardless of what has happened in the past, death when “it” comes to your door will always “always” catch you off guard.  I have been widowed, I was a young widow, with small kids.  I loved someone very much who killed himself, less than 2 years after my first husband died of cancer.  My sister died suddenly and without warning, my first love died tragically in a car crash, and I’ve lost a child.  I know death.  I know my way to the bottom of a kleenex box.  I don’t say this to try to invoke some sort of pity response out of you, quite the opposite.  I f’ing hate pity.  Don’t pity me, ever.   I don’t pity myself.  I might have a weak moment where I think life just blows, but don’t we all? 

This week, death came to my door again.  Twice.  I wasn’t ready, I was on a bike ride when the calls started to come into our safe little home.  I was working out, I was thinking of my beautiful Addie / B.Boy Wilson, dreaming of the blonde curls and blue eyes he or she will have.  I was not thinking that my first born’s heart was breaking as she learned that a man she cared for deeply drowned during a heart attack.  I wasn’t ready for her sobbing, and I didn’t have the words to use to help her.  I just cried on the phone with her.  When I got off the phone I babbled on and on and on to hubs about how this drags up everything from the past, because it does.  Every time we lose someone, it brings me back to 6.6.02, 8.24.03, 8.1.05, 10.30.08.  That same shocky feeling comes back.  I hate it.  I hate it so much because I know that my daughter just added another date to her list of really bad days.  It sucks.

The second knock on the door was the message that one of my former classmates from high school had died.  He was so gorgeous in H.S. O.M.G. I can still see him like it were yesterday, just handsome.  He was tall, blonde, etc…and his locker was always close to mine because our last names weren’t far apart in the alphabet.   I hadn’t seen him in years, I don’t know if he even looked the same, but either way my heart breaks for his family.  If he had children they just added a date to their list of horrible days that hurt so much to think about. 

I’m not naive, I know we all die.  I know I will die.  Could be tomorrow, could be 20 years from now, either way we all will make our exit.  What shocks me is the number of very young people who I knew that have died.  I don’t remember my parents losing friend one after the next while growing up…and they were hardcore drinking bikers? Seriously you’d think it would be the other way around. Sometimes it seems like the only blessings that have come from losing so many people I loved is that I am not scared to die.  I don’t want to, I’m certainly not looking forward to it….but if something happens. I’ll be okay.  I believe what I believe, I believe that there is life after this.  I believe that our spirits do not rot in the ground, we go on, to be with the father.  I know that I’ll see my first husband again.  I hope like hell he’s rocking some tupac when I get there, I pray he’s got the Diet Coke chilling for me and that my sister is there being beautiful.  I pray that my ex is whole, and well, and is finally the beautiful person he always wanted to be, and I know damn well that my Bob is up there corrdinating something, laughing and hugging everyone.

I woke up this morning at 3:00 a.m. violently ill.  I think that a lot of it had to do with the day before.  The pain, the shock, the upset.  It is all to close to very sad days for me.  Despite my mantra of “Remain Calm and Carry On” I guess my subconscious mind had other ideas.

 

Up Hill August 10, 2010

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Tubal Reversal,Work it out — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:39 am
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I rode my bike tonight, up a road that I was advised was an easy ride. Oh. My. Hell. It wasn’t easy, it was mad hard, but I did it! I freaking did it! I had to stop once I was off that hilly part because I’m a diabetic, and I had a weird food day where everything made me gag SO I used up whatever sugar I had left on those hills. BUT I did it!.  I am doing all of this, this insane working out where if I don’t work out I am mad, and moody and pissed off for my children.  For my girls that I love more than life, and for the promise of another baby.  Be it a boy or a girl (but I want a BOY sooooo bad I can’t stand it!) I don’t care.  I walk, I peddle, I cry, I throw up (or close to it) for those short people, or for those not so short people anymore.  This is the hardest but most important thing I’ve ever done in my life.

 

Weekly Winners August 8, 2010

Filed under: Weekly Winners — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:55 am
Tags: , ,

The adorable baby girl up there, she is my niece.  She is a spitfire, she’s busy, she’s on the move. I hope she never EVER changes.

That handsome devil up there…he’s my nephew.  He’s named after a beautiful man who I only met once, but I get the privilege of seeing in my husbands face everyday.  He too is on the move and busy.  He could calm down a little…but only cuz he makes me scared! HA!

I washed my bike…then I washed his.  I totally got credit!

That is our awesome sprinkler…on a 1/8000 shutter speed.  Yep. That. Is. Fast.

To check out other great weekly winners bop over  here LOTUS.  Go…do it. NOW!