Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Where is the happy? Pappy? October 29, 2010

With the holidays basically here because let’s face it, Halloween is a mere 2 days away and from there we’ll be jingle belling until New Years and I can’t help but ask myself and my stunning brood where is the joy?  There is always a task, an errand, something stopped up, broken, or otherwise in “need” The holidays will be no different.  How do we get back to happy, or hell find happy.  I don’t know.

I find myself constantly and totally swirling about, in and out around and  consumed by panic.  I am always at a 10, I’d like to kick it down to a 5. HA!  Work always goes insane this time of the year but I vow (feel free to stop on by when I’m nose diving somewhere around 12-10-10) this Christmas will be different, I’m going to not bitch (as much) I’m going to shop early (HA!) I will not grumble about all the parties and the presents and the nonsense (and there will be plenty) I’m going to not only make this a Merry Christmas.  It’s gonna be a roooten’ tooooten’ Happy Christmas. Come Hell or high water.

First thing on the list to make Happy is my marriage, which is as solid as I’ve ever had in my life. I love him, I hate him, he hates me, he loves me….it’s a marriage dude.  I want to somehow find a way to make it more RRRAAWWWRRR and less GEZZZZ, I want to see him as the good man he is and less of a good target.  The world is not an easy place, sometimes those who share our home become the people we can yell at for all the shit the world did.  That is messed up yo. I will be starting over today.

I’ve sobbbbed my last night away, I’ve yelled the last time (for a while) Life is going to get happy…even if happy is a serious problem. (book by Dennis Prager go forth and read it if you haven’t)

 

Confessions of a sometimes blogger October 18, 2010

Filed under: I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 8:13 pm

I love Google Reader. I click on it several times per day…and on the weekend forget about it! And as I click on through I envy those “mommy bloggers” who have time to write your posts, or prepare and PHOTOGRAPH amazing meals.  I can’t even imagine having time to do that.  Let’s take a look at my day.  Here is how it went. (you’ll see my lack of time!)

5:55 a.m. Get up with Hubs, only because he will make the bed with me in. (yes ladies he makes the bed)

5:56 a.m. stumble to the couch where I sit and drift in and out of sleep for about 30 minutes before the cats go crazy and I have to threaten them with great  bodily harm if they touch my curtains again.

6:30 a.m. Begin making Silk purse out of sows ear….this is not a short process.

7:55 a.m. leave house drive to work.

8:19 a.m. punch in…sigh. A lot.

13:00 leave for lunch

13:10 meet hubs for lunch

14:00 arrive back at office.

Leave work at anywhere between 17:00-21:00 (give or take. BTW if you don’t know military time learn it!)

Arrive home (times are hard to judge)

Do laundry, clean (I clean all day everyday) empty cat boxes, unravel dramas, sigh, cry softly,  take one marginal Photo of the day, break up cat and kid fights, sigh, more tears..the sighing and the tears repeat several times per night.

Then at or around 22:30 go to bed. 

Repeat process. 

Where is there time for blogging conferences, and happy times, and beautifully prepared and photographed meals.  I envy you all. Seriously.  I am a damn good wife, and I try to be a good mom…but as for blogging I suck.

 

Moving on… October 4, 2010

Filed under: I hate it.,Work it out — bloggingreluctantly @ 9:30 pm

I’m currently sitting in my “old house”  or the “little house”  OR the f’ing shoe box as it was almost always referred to.  Either way you slice it this isn’t my home anymore.  I love this little house.  All 700 square feet of it.  It’s a pocket house, you could slip it right into your shirt pocket.  It was a safe haven during one of the most stressful times in my life.  It sheltered us when we had no where else to go.  Leaving it…is bittersweet.  The “new” neighborhood is full of new houses, sorta spit shined and new, boring as hell, efficient, bi-levels (bi-levels..cheap ass houses that don’t cost too much to build..I hate bi-levels) The place reminds me of the poltergeist movie.  All those houses slammed up next to each other, glorified track homes…but never the less it’s a nice place.  I like it just fine, there is more space…but for the most part I could take it or leave it. I just needed more space than here.   So I guess it’s a win.

Here on the street we used to live on the folks are real, the conversations can be taken at face value.  I like that.  I hate fake people.  I hate people who hate you but pretend. Whatever.  I suspect that there is a whole lot of fake assness in the other neighborhood.  That has me thinking that this move was wrong…even though it was right.  Everything right now is black and white for everyone but me.  I’m a person that lives in shades of grey.  I can be very one way or the other but for the most part I see both sides of the line.   

There is a whole lot of disharmony in my “village”  people breaking up, families falling apart, I’m heart-broken.  I want to stop it all, but there is nothing anyone can do when the decisions have been made to move on.  All I can do is pray, pray that I still get to see my niece and nephew, that my brother is okay, who the hell am I kidding he’ll be fine.  He’s a rock, I’m the broken glass taped back together, either way for a “fixer” this is hard.  I miss my soon to be ex-sister in law, I’m hurt she didn’t even want to talk to me.  I guess that is how life is, move on. 

We all move on, we all pack up our things, turn the knob one last time and never look back.  I get that.  I’ve done it.  I’ve hurt family, I’ve broke up my own family both because of safety issues and because I was an idiot kid who didn’t know any better…or who did but didn’t care.  Either way moving on is always an uneven process…someone is always left holding a bigger piece of the hurt than the other.  “When a heart breaks no it don’t break even.” 

As I sit here in the little house that provided us with so much more than a place to sleep I see that I too am moving on.  Leaving neighbors who are seriously amazing, a yard I poured my heart into and a comfortable feeling for the unknown.  I’m scared, and I’m moving on.

Goodbye little house……