Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Grief March 31, 2011

Filed under: I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:04 am
Tags: , ,

I’m no stranger to grief, it’s as much a part of me as the color of my eyes or my nose.  I know the steps, the pain, the swirling haze that only grief can do to you.  No matter how prepared I am, it paralyzes me. I have no words, no advice, I stare blindly at the grieving and say nothing.  I don’t offer my own process of dealing. I just stand there, saying nothing.  I sometimes wonder why?  Why can I not say anything, maybe it’s because all I have are cliché’s to utter and those are the LAST damn thing anyone wants to hear.  Time is the only thing that helps and it is the GRAND DADDY of the stupid cliché’s, but it’s also valid.  Time is the ONLY thing that helps you. Not meds, not food, not drugs, not booze, not a “new love”, not an OLD love.  Time.  Is it.

The days click by putting space between you and the hurt, and the TIME will be another source of HURT because the time itself makes you cognizant of the loss.  So Time is a double edged sword.  Irrational I know, but that is grief.  A completely irrational pain that cannot be made better, no one can ever EVER bring back the person you miss and yet you fall asleep wishing, and you wake up wishing, and songs on the radio trigger memories, photos of your love one feel like they’ll tear you limb from limb.  Holidays are knives in your stomach, spilling your guts on the floor.  But the sun rises, and it sets, and the seasons change and somewhere in the middle of Thanksgiving and New Years you laughed, and that one day you laughed you didn’t feel bad about it…so another laugh happens, and you catch a glimpse of  yourself, maybe it’s in the mirror or your reflection in a spoon, or in the eyes of your children and you realize that TIME was what has made things better.  The very balance of the day, the weeks, the months, the seasons have helped you regain your balance.  The ebb and flow of the ocean, the moon’s phases whatever it is, it gets you back on your feet. You’ll never be whole again, but you will be better.

My grief brought me to the edge, the closest I have ever been to ending my own life, the pain was so strong, so completely consuming that the only way out that I saw and could think of with my grief soaked brain was to take my leave.   That memory alone keeps me in fear for my husband and children’s safety, because I know my way to that bathroom sink, counting out the Tylenol, making the situation available to not be found, to know at what exact milligram dosage kills you, and what kills your liver.  I know that if something happened today to my family, I probably would be right back at that counter.  Maybe that is what keeps me from going to the grieving and sharing my words, my process, because my process is too hard to revisit.  Tomorrow I’ll attend the funeral of my mothers dearest friends.  In a situation that is too complicated to explain I’ll see people that were in my life during the worst time of my life, and those people will be grieving, they don’t even have to say anything, their faces trigger hurt so deep inside me I’m hopeful I can get out of my car and face them.  I wish I could say thank you for helping me, even when I pushed you away and made you hate me.  I wish I could say somthing ANYTHING that would help, but I know, that they know the only thing that helps is TIME.  So they’ll begin that march, that dreadful first year without your loved one march.  The birthdays, the holidays, the wedding anniversaries.  They’ll face it, and like me they’ll regain their footing.  It just takes time.

I hate death, fuck grief, fuck the grim reaper.  I hate that pain, the sounds of the hurt.  I hate this all.


Change March 27, 2011

Filed under: Love it,Running — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:50 am

I realized today that I’m changing.  It feels good.  I have in the last 2 months worked out more than I have in a very long time, I’ve dropped sizes in clothes but this change isn’t even about weight, it’s about the change that has happened on the inside.  I WANT to work out, I want to move and sweat, and feel my heart pound. It makes me feel good to be active, I want to be the mom that runs marathons, and works out all the time because it will instill in my children the importance of a healthy life.  I normally fret and yell about change, but this change, this change is awesome.  I love it!

I never have been lazy, I’ve always worked, kept a “neat as a pin house” pulled my share of weeds, mowed plenty of grass but when it came to ME, I was lazy.  I didn’t invest in myself.  At this point in my life I am investing in me.  I am saying the laundry can wait, the dishes will still be there.  I’m getting that work out in, I’m running till I can’t stand it anymore.  I LOVE this change.  It’s completely awesome.


40 days March 25, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Love it,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 10:21 am
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Woke up this morning to my phone alerting me that we have a mere 40 days left until our trip and until our lives are changed forever.  This being the sacred time of Lent for myself and millions of other faith filled folks the significance of 40 days was not lost on me.  40 days until my life and the life of our family is changed.  This brought tears to my eyes.  I cannot wait to be on the other side of this journey, I cannot wait to be able to try, to be able to work towards, I cannot wait for the chance.  The chance to see, and know and love our children.  I cannot wait to see my husband be a father to children that share his DNA.  This process has made our marriage (which was already going awesome) that much better. 

40 days until May 5, 2011.


Facebook March 24, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,Love it — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:32 am
Tags: , ,

I just want to say I love FACEBOOK.  It’s an amazing addiction.  I have found new friends reunited with old,  I’ve come across some pretty strange characters.  Regardless of whom I meet I love it.  One interesting little feature is the “friends suggestion” app.  I didn’t read what the screen said too close and I sent a friend request to someone versus what I thought was a friend request coming to me, this person was suggested by another friend….this fellow facebooker is a boy that I “dated” in middle school.  Let me be clear we never actually went anywhere together but it was one of those really stupid relationships (if one can even call it a relationship) that lasted a while…in my mind it was pretty much the whole of 6th grade.  I can honestly say that I loved this young man.  He lived one town over from me, thus making seeing each other, other than at school pretty much impossible. I remember conversations with his mom, sister and his dad.  I really cared about him….which made what happened that much harder for ME.  He suddenly and unexpectedly broke up with me.  CUE the first cut is the deepest moment here.   I remember crying and crying and crying so hard and for so long that I was sick.  The tears fell in front of him, my parents, my older brothers who I’m pretty sure picked on him (being the over protective boys they were and still are!) my math teacher who sat with me and handed me kleenex.  Mr. Lintz…you rocked!  I had to move back to my own locker which hurt SO much, I know insane that I still remember all of this but it all flooded back when I saw his face on FB.

To be honest it probably was not that I missed him…which I’m sure I did, it was that first feeling of rejection, that first feeling of pain and loss and that for no reason, with no explanation people can dismiss you from their lives.  That feeling of being discarded never left me, it shocked me, it changed me.  I’m sketchy on the details for sure but I just remember that it was over.  Which at the tender age of 11 I didn’t expect some big thing where we divided our possessions and spent a million dollars to
“the that’s mine this is yours”  law firm but I clearly recall that even for the balance of the next 6 years of school he hated me.  BAD.  I sat 2 feet from this person for one whole year in a class, he never even nodded in my direction.  Never said excuse me, there was this hostility that never made any sense.  I always wanted to say “Really we can’t just be nice??”  I didn’t hate him, I moved on hell I was supposed to be married one milli-second after high school, clearly life went on…so I didn’t get and still do not get why there was all this hatred.  I think I’m an alright person, I make a good friend. 

Initially I thought HE added me, and  my reaction was WOW now that takes the G.D. random award of my life, I couldn’t believe it, that feeling was quickly squashed when I realized that I added HIM  and the feelings of random shock quickly turned into  OH.MY.HELL.ZOMG. how the FUCK do I cancel that request.   I am so terrified of this person to this day that I was ready to shut down my profile. (no joke)  Thankfully I did cancel it and there has been no further communication but WOWZA.   SO even nearly 24 years later I still wonder what did I do or did not do to this man to make him hate me with such a passion.  AND in a way I owe him a debt of gratitude.  He taught me early to love but hold back just a little, he was the first boy I ever really loved, he broke the seal on my heart.  There will always be just one little bit of me that still smiles when I think of holding his hand, the notes he wrote, this adorable little frame that his mother bought me and put his photo in that said “MyGuy” still wish I had that sucker. Of course my beautiful amazing husband who God created just for me, and me for him would fill the heart shaped cut out but Aaron was the first.  I wish only good, lovely things for him. 

Facebook, she gives and she takes away 🙂


Working out. March 13, 2011

Filed under: Love it,Tubal Reversal,Work it out — bloggingreluctantly @ 9:41 pm

I wanted to add a post on here about my new journey of working out now, so once I see two lines on a pregnancy test I can continue to work out and NOT have an ass that will barely fit through the door.  The Gym and I are strange friends, we are okay with each other but it takes  a lot of dedication on my part to stick with it, because I work full time, clean my home till my hands bleed and would rather do ANYTHING but go to that gym ( I know there are germs all up in that place!) But I’ve been going now regularly for about 3 weeks, I started walking 35 minutes, now I’m up to an hour, and did 3.6 miles today.  It feels good.  It’s getting easier.  Which I’m really happy about!

I’m praying that this pregnancy goes nothing like my others, I really hope that I can work out at least 3 days per week, of course while NOT eating everything in sight! HA! We’ll see!!! It helps that my diet has changed so much too!  SO 52 days till surgery.  Let’s see if I can stick with this working out till then!!! 🙂


How Old Is Too Old? March 9, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,Love it,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:09 am

The clinic where our miracle begins posted something online yesterday that left me stunned.  A former patient had her TR surgery, had a baby, then decided one wee one was enough had an IUD put in, the IUD caused issues so she had it removed and at the age of 48 found out she is preggers ya’ll.  I stopped dead in my tracks.  48?? First off let me say 48 ain’t that far away for me (sadly..this is the truth) but what it made me realize is that, once my body is whole…it’s whole, babies will come when the father sends them…despite our best laid plans.  How does any of this pertain to me? Really in no way other than the fact that I am going to be 35, 35 this September.  I want at least 2 more, which means I will probably deliver babies (if it is within His Plans) darn close to 40.  Something I never thought I’d ever do after becoming a mom at 19. 

I look at my body in the mirror, mostly with disgust, and a small sliver of pride at this worn and tattered “tent” (the stretch marks…Lordy!) and think, does this body have it in it to do this all over again.  It did it 2 times correctly, 1 time not. I touch my stretch marks and feel in a way that they are battle scars, marks my daughters left on the outside of me that prove I am theirs, and they are a part of me….and in some small way those scars are proof that this body can do it again, if anything it’s seasoned, a pro if you will.  Or at least I pray.  Surgery is a mere 57 days away.  It’s crazy to think that in 57 days my body will be fixed. 

With my ever increasing age I am brought to a new place of fear that I never visited as a new mom.  The dread of, okay my tubes are fixed, we know everything there is to know about cycles, sperm count, motility etc, we get the egg and the sperm together and BAMB a baby is on the way, cells divide BUT what makes me scared is….what about when the cells do divide but something miss-fires because my eggs are older than they were at the age of 19.  When I was a young mother-to-be no one discussed those older mother disorders, no need to be concerned.  Now in the small hours of the night I pray, I pray that everything I am doing is leading me to a healthy baby, a baby who I bring into this world with a life of joy and fun ahead of him / her and NOT a life of strife.  Those fears shake me to my soul.

I will cross that bridge when I come to it.  What choice do we have?  So besides all of the above things rattling around the old noodle, the other stuff peppered through there is the strange fear I have of the surgery.  I have no idea why.  The doctor is above the board perfect, it’s in a hospital, I’m working out, eating right, excersing hell I’m even taking vitamins and eating yogurt (I hate YOGURT) I have this paralyzing fear that washes over me, when I see my daughters, or even the G.D. cats, I think what if I don’t come home.  How will Mike travel back to Michigan, where will the girls go? What will happen.  It’s a huge incision, but I know I’ll be in good hands.  I guess when you are younger you think you are invincible, now I know that things go wrong, sometimes doctors can’t fix you no matter how hard they try, no matter how many thousands of surgeries they have to their credit, when it is your time to go….you go. 

Is it glaringly obvious that this surgery and all that it encompasses is turning me inside out?  So emotional, so changing, SO much risk, on so many levels.  57 days to keep worrying.  To keep thinking about what will happen and even more scary what will be.  Our life is about to change forever.  If it works, we have a baby, if it doesn’t I become a woman struggling with fertility issues, a situation I can’t stand to think about.   I can’t wait to say goodbye to the wait.  It’s been a long  year.  I can’t wait to stand over pregnancy tests and either be excited or sad, at least this wait will be gone.  Replaced by a much happier more hope filled wait.