Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Heavy April 30, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,I hate it.,Love it,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 9:46 pm

So we are now down to hours till we leave…less than 70 hours till we are south bound.  Can.not.wait.  On Thursday I met up with my BFF and had a bite to eat…she had Panera, I had a Panera muffin filled to the brim with dairy…I know tisk, tisk, but I had it, it was awesome and the chatting was really what I needed.  SO during this consumption of fat we talked about guardianship of my  youngest, advance directives (you know feel good subjects HA!) but she said “contact my mom (who works at a law firm) she can help you” so I did.  The back story is my first husband died in August 2003 of testicular cancer, it was sudden and unexpected which is an understatement since he was 26 years old. You NEVER think someone you care about will die at 26 from terminal cancer, but that is what happened.  It changed me and my life forever in ways that his family will never grasp, probably in ways I cannot even fully understand. 

The above mentioned situation is why I think…guardianship and advance directives are so important.  Obviously my ex didn’t need guardianship, even if he would have designated someone it wouldn’t have matter as I am her legal parent….but for me it is important because if I die my youngest is left in limbo.  Sure there are 100 people who would want her but there is only 1 person I want to have her, and that is my husband.  Not that I do not care for my former in-laws because they are very important to ME, and are Gods to my girls, but they should be her grand parents not her parents.  Parenting is sacred, it is the trust put upon us by Our Lord, we do not “own them” we are given them as a gift, they ultimately belong To Him.  This truth I hold fast to, that truth is what is allowing me to go through this reversal process, if I do not make a change to myself to at least be able to carry those gifts, I for sure will never have one….(I’m really stressed and this post will veer on and off subject A LOT so hang in there!)

As I signed over my durable power of attorney and guardianship designation papers I wept, because it really made me see the seriousness of what I am going through…there are many people in my world that have blown off this procedure as not dangerous, not a big deal, whatever.  Folks this is a big deal, it is a large incision, similar to open heart surgery just in a different direction.  Totally ignorant are these people…that attitude is why I will NOT be saying bye to them before we leave town. I do not need anymore “you’re crazy talk”.  I want to sit with the stress of it, absorb it, not dwell on it, but have a healthy respect for it.  It’s not going to be easy to go through it, and it will most certainly not be easy to recover.  It’s big, and even if it’s not big to them they should see me shake at the idea of it and see it’s big and keep their mouth shut…..like I said this post will not be easy to deal with.

Okay so back to guardianship.  My husband is who I designated to be her parent why?  Here…First off the man is as close to me as my skin,  I know him.  I know how his mind works, why it works the way it does and I trust him.  With every bit of my being.  I know he won’t cut her any slack, I know he’ll RAISE her…not let her have a reason to be weak.  Of course if I died, it would be a reason to be weak, but the world will not care that both of her parents were dead, they wouldn’t give a rip about any of her sad stories.  I trust that Mike will light a fire under her ass and make her function.  My in-laws (who are beautiful people, but people who have been grieving for a long time for their son) I feel like won’t.  I feel like they’ll shield her, handicap her, and give her the blanket “okay” to be a mess.  They aren’t affectionate people I want her to be raised with hugs and hearing “I love you” I want her to be raised in the manner that I want.  Because it’s my right.  If I could change the fact that their son is gone I would, but I can’t and they do not have any right or invitation to intrude on how I want my child raised.  So I put into place a legal road block.  Maybe it’s my own control freaky side that must know what will go on in the event of my death but it’s what I want, it’s what I feel is right…not just what is easy.

These are heavy subjects, but this whole situation is heavy it’s like a 500lb weight on me.  I cannot wait to have it off.  And in about 4 days I’ll be recovering God Willing my body put back together.  I cannot wait to have an update on post surgery for ya’ll.  Whew. Overwhelming.

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Vision April 15, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,Love it,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 2:12 am

Surgery is a total of 17 days away (Okay once it hits midnight it’s 17…leave me alone) I thought I’d share my hallucination I mean vision.  This will be quick.

I was driving in the mom tank (a.k.a. the mini-van) and I was by myself which ZOMG ya’ll is a G.D. treat.  I started to think about the surgery that is so close I can taste it (let me tell you surgery tastes like the smell of new-born babies..don’t say ICK think about it, is there anything better than the smell of babies not dirty diaper ones but freshly bathed and powered babies. AMAZING) and in my mind’s eye I saw the van filled with car seats (2 possibly 3 if the fertility Gods smile upon this old girl!) and while I only saw one child, a boy (OF COURSE) the vision of him was clear, a healthy PERFECT, baby / toddler boy with Mikes looks (and his sense of style…Steel Magnolia fans anyone? anyone?) little legs hanging out, and he was playing peak a-boo with me.  When I think about this vision I well up.  It was a flash, but it was there.  It wasn’t a memory locked in my brain that fired and called forth, I felt like God was showing me a small glimpse just to get me through.

Maybe I’m crazy, or  have a tumor, or am baby crazy.  But regardless that vision is what I’m working toward.  17 days little one. 17 days till we can try to make you real.

Love you baby.

 

Peace April 5, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,Love it — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:03 pm
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I have never been a chill kinda gal.  I’m high strung, type A, perfectionist.  That is just how I’m wired.  So when undertaking such a situation as changing my life and placing all said change in the hands of a stranger I’ve never met and more than likely will never see again after he connects the broken parts of my innerd’s I’ve been how you say??? Key’d up!  Until today.

Last night as I lay in bed, I prayed.  I pray everyday and not just in the context of “oh man oh man please don’t let that phone ring 2 minutes to 5 so I can leave on time” prayer, I pray for my friends, for safety of my families, for peace where there is none, for strength in the weak etc.  Last night was different, I prayed specifically for those people who have wronged me.  It was weird to say, Dear Lord please bless my ex may he find happiness, I even prayed for my husbands ex (who while NO ONE doesn’t deserve prayers she’s one that NEEDS prayers just not prayers said by me) I felt good after.  There is something to be said about praying for someone and for other reasons than your own.   I drifted off to sleep with a sense of peace.

Typically when I think about our trip to Louisville I think about all the stuff that has to get done, like cash for my brother who is house sitting and watching the girls, or gas money or making sure the directions are in the garmin, laundry, cat food….but today when I thought about the trip that is now a mere 26 days away (OMG!) it wasn’t about the tasks, it was just peace and joy. Contentment about this process, that even if it doesn’t work, which it might not….I know that I am blessed with two healthy daughters, a husband who I love more than my own life, a job (which who can ever forget to NOT be thankful for work to do!) a nice home etc…. If more children are not in our future I still feel like there is more to our story.  Perhaps adoption is the path we’ll take, or invitro will call our names.  Despite all of the uncertainty, this story isn’t over as the last stitch is sewn.  If anything it’s only beginning.  So while we’ve counted down to this, it’s really just a count down to the start.  How amazing is that.

All things come from The Father, the love, the peace, the joy, the tears, the lessons.  I hope I can always keep this perspective.