Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Like a heart attack but less funny….. July 31, 2011

Filed under: General,TTC — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:01 pm
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My temperature chart this month looks a bit like an EKG of a person having a heart attack, no real pattern, not making sense. It is kinda driving me crazy.  Now admittedly I probably am doing it wrong, the weekends straight fall apart for me, and the last 2 nights have been a mess as I participated in relay for life on Friday and walked between 00:30 and 02:00 and then Saturday I couldn’t sleep because I slept in until 10:30 a.m. and that threw off my sleep pattern.  SO basically I give up I guess.  I had some very specific ovulation symptoms including but not limited to pain on my right side that last a few days…weird. FINALLY EWCM YEAH.  I am not sure if I should just throw out the temp chart since this cycle made so much more sense or not.  I question the validity of the thermometer I use but I’m not ready to buy a 200.00 thermometer just yet. 

Last month I was a fricken nut job worrying non stop about all the symptoms.  This month I have some peace.  I am not sure where it came from but I guess I just feel like with each cycle I’m learning.  This one showed me that it can be normal. Last month was lefty’s cycle. Lefty is bad news I know it!  I cannot wait to see those pink lines I do know that.

I guess somehow this blog is becoming a TTC blog which wasn’t my intention, so let’s talk about what ELSE is going on around here.   July is a wrap. WORD.  One month till school is back in yeah that deserves a double WORD.  Not that the kids are driving me crazy or anything because at this stage they are not, I just think it’s getting to be time for them to go back.  I hate the slow burn of summer.  Seriously.  The sitting around in their PJ’s doing nothing but vegging. UGH.  I am ready for their little brains to be stimulated again.  I also cannot believe in 18 days I’ll have a 15 year old and in month I’ll have a child in high school.  Didn’t I just bring her home from the hospital? UGH. Nic has been such a big helper this summer.  I am so proud of  all the things she has done and all the responsibility she has shown, while she is my youngest she is truly the heir to my thrown, my second in command.  What else…oh we bought a new car.  I am not overly thrilled.  It’s shiny and pretty and drives like a dream but…it has a payment. A LARGE  payment, but I am fairly sure it won’t break down and my mom tank is showing her age. SO car payment FTW.  BLAH

I also just signed up for year 4 of the photo of the day project. Ya’ll 4 years. Of hunting down a photo to describe my day.  It’s surreal to look back and see every day of your life.  What is that…you want to check it out.  Well hell why didn’t you say something sooner…go check that awesome bunch of ladies out by going HERE


Climbing July 23, 2011

Filed under: TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:55 pm
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CD9 The roller coaster car is climbing the hill..I can hear the chains click click click…any moment we’ll crest the hill and again it begins.  The CM and CP checks, the sex (which HELLO not complaining) the baby aspirin, robotussin, OPK’s and God willing a HPT with  a BFP. I know I’m new to this, but OMG I am scared out of my mind.  I read non stop IF blogs.  How ya’ll do it and do it for so long I’m not sure.  All I have on my side is faith and hope.  I can only trust it is enough.

One thing that is interesting about blogging is the fact that I can look back to a post written one year ago and I see that I was charting and trying to understand what happens almost a year before I had my surgery…very interesting.  A year ago I didn’t understand my cycle.  You know what spring forward a year, I know  A LOT about my cycle, but I am still unclear if any of it matters.  All I want is a baby, why does it all have to be so confusing. I wish I could go back to the days of getting knocked up when I didn’t want to and was trying like hell to NOT be knocked up.  The statistics and the numbers can drive you insane.  I’m fastly approaching crazy.  If I haven’t already arrived.


Wasted July 16, 2011

Filed under: TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:46 am
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Well Obviously we ARE NOT pregnant. One cycle wasted, all my fellow TTC’ers just laughed because 1 cycle…GUUURRLLL you got a long ways to go! BUT I’m still upset about, I mean I timed it, I KNEW when, but I also knew something was wrong.  SO during the pointless visit with Dr. K he agreed to a plan.  The plan is as follows, first let’s check the hormones, make sure nothing is a miss…waiting on results, if we are still not preggers in 3 months, Mike gets to give us a sample (which BTW he’s ready willing and able..SICKO  LOVE HIM) and if that is clear and we are still not preggers by November it’s GAME ON.  Bring on whatever test, medication etc they have out there because this baby making needs to get under way 🙂 HA!  Still the best part of TTC’ing is the trying. *WINK*


What the hell am I talking about….

Filed under: Love it,Tubal Reversal,Work it out — bloggingreluctantly @ 3:12 am
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Wonder what I mean when I use all those abbreviations…regarding TTC. Here ya go

AAMOF – As A Matter Of Fact
ADN – Any Day Now
AF – Aunt Flo – Menstrual Cycle
AKA – Also Known As
AO – Anovulation
ATM – At The Moment
AWOL – A Woman On Lupron
B4 – Before
B4N – Before Now
BA – Baby Aspirin
BABYDUST – Good wishes vibe for getting pregnant
BBL – Be Back Later
BBT – Basal Body Temperature
BBs – BooBies AKA Breasts
BD – Baby Dance (intercourse)
BF – BreastFed, BoyFriend
BFN – Big Fat Negative
BFP – Big Fat Positive!
C# – Cycle Number
CB – Cycle Buddy
CD – Cycle Day
CF – Cervical Fluid
CM – Cervical Mucus
CP – Cervical Position
CNM – CertifiedNurseMidwife

DA – Dear Angel
DH – Dear Husband
DD – Dear daughter
DS – Dear Son
DSD – Dear Step-Daughter
D&C – Dilation & Curettage
D&E – Dilation & Evacuation
DPO – Days Post-Ovulation
DPC – Days Since Last Clomid pill was taken
Dx – Diagnosis

E2 – Estradiol
EB,EMB – Endometrial Biopsy
EDD – Estimated Due Date
ENDO – Endometriosis
EG – Evil Grin
EOD – End Of Discussion
EPO – Evening Primrose Oil
EPT – Early Pregnancy Test
ESP – ESPecially
ET – Embryo Transfer
EW,EWCM – Eggwhite Cervical Mucus

FET – Frozen Embryo Transfer
FHR – Fetal Heart Rate
FIL – Father in law
FP – Follicular Phase
FSH – Follicle Stimulating Hormone
FBOW – For Better Or Worse
FTTA – Fertile Thoughts To All
FUR – False Unicorn Root
FV – Fertile Vibes
FYA – For Your Amusement
FYI – For Your Information

G – Grin
GAFIA – Get Away From It All
GAL- Get A Life
GFY – Good For You
GG- Gotta Go
GIFT – Gamete Intra-fallopianTransfer
GMTA – Great Minds Think Alike
GnRH – Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone
GP – General Practitioner

HAGD – Have A Great Day
HAND – Have A Nice Day
hCG,HCG – Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
hMG,HMG – Human Menopausal Gonadotropin
HPT – Home Pregnancy Test
HRT – Hormone Replacement Therapy
HSC – Hysteroscopy
HSG – Hysterosalpingogram
HTH – Hope That Helps
HUTH – Hang Up The Horns

IAC – In Any Case
IAE – In Any Event
ICI – Intra-cervical Insemination
ICSI – Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
ICBW – I Could Be Wrong
IDTT – I’ll Drink To That
IIRC – If I Recall Correctly
IM – Instant Message (Instant Messaging)
IF – Infertility
IMAO – In My Arrogant Opinion
IMBO – In My Biased Opinion
IMCO – In My Considered Opinion
IME – In My Experience
IMHO – In My Honest/Humble Opinion
IMNSHO – In My Not So Humble Opinion
IMO – In My Opinion
INPO – In No Particular Order
IOW – In Other Words
IRL – In Real Life
ITI – Intra-tubal Insemination
IUI – Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF – InVitro Fertilization

JIC – Just In Case
J/K – Just Kidding
JMO – Just My Opinion
JTYWLTK – Just Thought You Would Like To Know

KISS – Keep It Simple Sweetheart (Stupid)
KUP – Keep us posted
KWIM – Know What I Mean

LAP – Laparoscopy
LH – Luteinizing Hormone
LMP – Last Menstrual Period (startdate)
LMAO – Laughing My Ankles (A**) Off
LMBO – Laughing My Butt Off
LO – Love Olympics (sex)
LOL – Laugh Out Loud
LP – Luteal Phase
LPD – Luteal Phase Defect
LSP – Low Sperm Count
LUF,LUFS – Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome

MC,m/c – Miscarriage
MF – MaleFactor
MIFT – Micro Injection Fallopian Transfer
MIL – Mother in law
M/S, MS – Morning Sickness

NA (N/A) – Not Applicable, Not Appropriate
NAK – Nursing At Keyboard
Newbie – New to the Internet or Bulletin Board
NFP – Natural Family Planning
NIPing – Nursing In Public
NMP – Not My Problem
NP – No Problem
NPI – No Pun Intended
NRN – No Reply Necessary
NT – No Text

O – Ovulation, Ovulated
OB – Obstetrician
OB/GYN – Obstetrician/Gynecologist
OC – Oral Contraceptives
OD – Ovulatory Dysfunction
OHT – One-Handed Typing
OP – Other Poster/Original Poster
OIC – Oh I (C) See
OMG – Oh My God
OPK – Ovulation Predictor Kit
OPT – Ovulation Predictor Test
OT – Off Topic
OTOH – On The Other Hand
OTS – Off The Subject
OTC – Over The Counter

PPAF – Post-Pardom Aunt Flo
PCO – Polycystic Ovaries
PCOD – Polycystic Ovary Disease
PCOS – Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PCP – Primary Care Physician
PCT – Post Coital Test
PG – Pregnant
PID – Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
PMS – Pre-menstrual Syndrome
POAS – Pee on a stick (Home Pregnancy Test)
PPL – PeoPLe
PTL – Praise The Lord
PU – That Stinks

RE – Reproductive Endocrinologist
R-FSH – Recombinant Human Follicle Stimulating Hormone
RI – Reproductive Immunologist
Rx – Prescription

SA – Semen Analysis
SAHD – Stay-At-Home Dad
SAHM – Stay-At-Home Mom
SB – Step-Brother
SBT – Sad But True
SD – Step-Daughter / Step-Dad
SFAIAA – So Far As I Am Aware
SF – Step-Father
SFMP – Sorry For Multiple Posts
SHG – Sonohysterogram
SIL – Sister in law
SITD – Still In The Dark
SM – Step-Mom (Mother)
SNS – Supplemental Nursing System
SMEP – Sperm Meets Egg Plan
SS – Step-Son / Step-Sister
SO – Significant Other
STD – Sexually Transmitted Disease

TAFT – That’s A Frightening Thought
TAYL – Talk At You Later
TCOYF -Taking Care of Your Fertility
TFIC – Tongue Firmly In Cheek
THX – Thanks
TIA- Thanks In Advance
TIC – Tongue In Cheek
TIME – Tears In My Eyes
TMI – Too Much Information
toh – typing one-handed
TPTB – The Powers That Be
TTC – Trying To Conceive
TTFN – Ta-Ta For Now
TTYL – Talk To You Later
TTYS – Talk To You Soon
TWIMC – To Whom It May Concern
TWW – Two week wait (also 2WW)
TY – Thank You
TYVM – Thank You Very Much
TR – Tubal Reversal
Tx – Treatment

UR – Urologist
U/S – Ultrasound
UTI – Urinary Tract Infection

V – Vasectomy
VR – Vasectomy Reversal

WAHD – Work-At-Home-Dad
WAHM – Work-At-Home-Mom
WB – Welcome Back
WFM – Works For Me
WEG – Wicked Evil Grin
W/O – WithOut
WNL – Within Normal Limits
WOHM – Work Out of Home Mom
WRT – With Regard To
WTG – Way To Go
WTH – What The Heck??
WU? – What’s Up?
WYSIWYG – What You See Is What You Get

ZIFT – Zygote


7.12.2011 July 12, 2011

Filed under: TTC HPT BFP and ME,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 2:29 am
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Tomorrow is the day that AF is supposed to arrive.  Will it be? Or not? Who knows.  I do know that I’ve got a plan of attack if it does show. A couple things I’ll be using  Robitussin.  Yes that is right Robitussin….also on my list of weapons a fancy BBT.  AND Preseed.  I’m not leaving one thing to chance.  1 wasted cycle is enough.   🙂 Wish us luck.  We selfishly covet your prayers.


The one about the crushing. July 10, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,TTC HPT BFP and ME,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 10:21 pm
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Since it is glaringly obvious in the photo above I’m (well someone is, you do not know my feet and have no idea its ME) in a gown, foot is sans shoe or sock, and I’m nervous since I’m taking photos…yep I’m getting the physical, the yearly uncomfortable situation all us ladies endure…problem being I had not been in years (hold your comments…I know) I went through 6 years of hell, I just didn’t care, then hubs decided to throw the whole “YEAH I want my own kids” up in the mix and guess who had to start thinking about these things again. MOI.  anyways.  The appointment started off with a visit to the damn dirty liar of a scale and since we are TTC they wanted a urine sample, now let me keep it real here.  I was on 7/6/2011 on day 23 of a my typically 29 day cycle, even the best of the best first response / clear blue easy / EPT’s out there are pushed to their limits in detecting HCG that early but why not, I’ll humor these jokers and give them my sample….I proceeded to my room, donned the sweet gown you see above and waited…truly forgetting about the pregnancy test because  last month was weird, I normally have every single symptom of ovulation…this month NADA.  I also ovulated on my left side which is not be best side, so when they wanted to test I thought HA, yeah.  The doctor comes in the room, we start chatting he begins various tests that I’ll spare you the details on, then the door flies open and the nurse says “IT’S POSITIVE” I of course started to cry, because HELLO folks this is the BFP….the biggest fattest positive of my life.  I kept looking at the doctor begging him to tell me she is wrong…nothing, he says they are almost NEVER wrong.  So he wraps up the balance of my tests, they write my orders up for an OB ultra sound, send me to the lab for a serum pregnancy test and are all CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Now let me break it down…I know me, I’ve lived here nearly 35 years, I know I am not pregnant at this point, but I WANTED to be so much, and with not only the doctor saying hell yeah you are and EVEN throwing in the comment of “That looks like a pregnant cervix to me!” I was 98%  leaning their way.  I of course bought some HPT to be sure and after telling my husband, texting my BFF…I settled into the balance of my work day with a feeling of OMG….we did it.  ONLY to have it all destroyed within hours.  I got home, did both tests, both negative.  I knew it.  I cried all night ya’ll.  We were told to contact the doctor’s office around 10:00 a.m. for the results. THEY called me, NEVER a good sign,  this nurse….who I have no idea how I’ll ever look at again starts this conversation with “Was your husband excited” then proceeds to tell me your results are negative BUT Dr. still thinks you are because of the test here….and wants to see you in a week.  I have never in my life wanted to rip a persons throat out through a phone cord as I did in that moment.  Of course my husband was excited, this is his first child….and now that is gone and I get to tell him as much. 

Thursday at 11:00 a.m. I am supposed to go in and see the doctor for a re-test, my AF is set to start in 2 days, I am 100% asymptomatic of pregnancy and I want to start doctor shopping.  They both left a horrible taste in my mouth and I’m just crushed.  WE are crushed.  This wasn’t what we needed at this moment.   I pray like hell that there is some totally random chance we are, but I know in my heart this was a wasted cycle and we’ll be right back at it again.  I don’t think I’m strong enough to be a woman who struggles with infertility.  Not that I can really classify myself as that now but it’s just a really hard situation to think about and this wasn’t good.


Ipod Revelations July 1, 2011

Filed under: 30's,I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 2:23 am

I’m back at my walking routine…LOVE IT. I always take my Ipod with me and I have some old music on it that does not have titles put on since it was ripped off of CD’s.  When it gets down to those songs it’s always a surprise.  It shuffled to the song by Celine Dion  “A new Day”  The lyrics if you’ve never heard it:

A new day…
A new day….

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don’t shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I’d make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, its almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun…

A new day has… come

Where it was dark now there’s light
Where there was pain now there’s joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, its almost blinding me
I can’t belive
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun…

A new day has…

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun…

A new day has….come

Ohhh, a light

Hush, now

I see a light in your eyes
All in the eyes of a boy

I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Hush, now

Hush, now

This song was significant to me at one time, and as I walked along it felt significant again.  I feel so torn in my life. I feel torn between duty and desire.  My desire to simplify my life, and my duty to be stuck in the work a day world because bills must be paid…and life must go on.  I have this nagging desire to just be basically a hippie. Eat and live organic, walk around without shoes, garden, be still, no rushing.  Just live.  It’ll never happen, because life moves so fast.  Maybe my desire to calm things is a futile attempt to slow the clock, or maybe it’s a sign things must change I don’t know.
Middle of next month I have an appointment with a psychic, and I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts and questions and since my walks are the only time I have to really think I spend that 1 hour + knitting thoughts together and compiling a list of things to ask someone who may be able to see into my future and tell me what the hell is going, am I heading toward a path of real change or am I simply CCFCP (cooo cooo for Coco Puffs) The idea of having that crystal ball is a bit scary.  I want so much to have the life I’ve created, but there are days when I hate the pace and the routine and the tread  mill of working and the days that slowly burn into the next.  I just want to EAT life, not have life eat me.   Maybe I’m having a pre-mid life crisis, or maybe I have a job I can barely stand (on a good day) maybe we’ve been married nearly 4 years and the magic feels gone (still love him dearly not saying we are having issues we aren’t just NO ROMANCE), maybe my kids are almost grown and despite the fact we are TTC I find myself feeling useless.  I do not know, but what I do know is a “New Day” would really be awesome right now.