Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

The one about the crushing. July 10, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,TTC HPT BFP and ME,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 10:21 pm
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Since it is glaringly obvious in the photo above I’m (well someone is, you do not know my feet and have no idea its ME) in a gown, foot is sans shoe or sock, and I’m nervous since I’m taking photos…yep I’m getting the physical, the yearly uncomfortable situation all us ladies endure…problem being I had not been in years (hold your comments…I know) I went through 6 years of hell, I just didn’t care, then hubs decided to throw the whole “YEAH I want my own kids” up in the mix and guess who had to start thinking about these things again. MOI.  anyways.  The appointment started off with a visit to the damn dirty liar of a scale and since we are TTC they wanted a urine sample, now let me keep it real here.  I was on 7/6/2011 on day 23 of a my typically 29 day cycle, even the best of the best first response / clear blue easy / EPT’s out there are pushed to their limits in detecting HCG that early but why not, I’ll humor these jokers and give them my sample….I proceeded to my room, donned the sweet gown you see above and waited…truly forgetting about the pregnancy test because  last month was weird, I normally have every single symptom of ovulation…this month NADA.  I also ovulated on my left side which is not be best side, so when they wanted to test I thought HA, yeah.  The doctor comes in the room, we start chatting he begins various tests that I’ll spare you the details on, then the door flies open and the nurse says “IT’S POSITIVE” I of course started to cry, because HELLO folks this is the BFP….the biggest fattest positive of my life.  I kept looking at the doctor begging him to tell me she is wrong…nothing, he says they are almost NEVER wrong.  So he wraps up the balance of my tests, they write my orders up for an OB ultra sound, send me to the lab for a serum pregnancy test and are all CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Now let me break it down…I know me, I’ve lived here nearly 35 years, I know I am not pregnant at this point, but I WANTED to be so much, and with not only the doctor saying hell yeah you are and EVEN throwing in the comment of “That looks like a pregnant cervix to me!” I was 98%  leaning their way.  I of course bought some HPT to be sure and after telling my husband, texting my BFF…I settled into the balance of my work day with a feeling of OMG….we did it.  ONLY to have it all destroyed within hours.  I got home, did both tests, both negative.  I knew it.  I cried all night ya’ll.  We were told to contact the doctor’s office around 10:00 a.m. for the results. THEY called me, NEVER a good sign,  this nurse….who I have no idea how I’ll ever look at again starts this conversation with “Was your husband excited” then proceeds to tell me your results are negative BUT Dr. still thinks you are because of the test here….and wants to see you in a week.  I have never in my life wanted to rip a persons throat out through a phone cord as I did in that moment.  Of course my husband was excited, this is his first child….and now that is gone and I get to tell him as much. 

Thursday at 11:00 a.m. I am supposed to go in and see the doctor for a re-test, my AF is set to start in 2 days, I am 100% asymptomatic of pregnancy and I want to start doctor shopping.  They both left a horrible taste in my mouth and I’m just crushed.  WE are crushed.  This wasn’t what we needed at this moment.   I pray like hell that there is some totally random chance we are, but I know in my heart this was a wasted cycle and we’ll be right back at it again.  I don’t think I’m strong enough to be a woman who struggles with infertility.  Not that I can really classify myself as that now but it’s just a really hard situation to think about and this wasn’t good.

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