I took this photo this morning while out for a much shorter walk than what I normally would do, I love the way the flowers hang down and the planters look next to the road. They do a nice job. While I was walking my mind drifted away to next summer and what these walks might look like. I’m guessing I’ll be a little rounder, a little more motivated to push myself further and God willing I’ll be pushing not only myself but one of those fancy strollers I swooned over at Babies R Us on Friday. You know the one’s…the ones you mortgage your house for but have to have! HA. And just as I think about a little baby sleeping away the miles the panic sets in, my throat gets tight my eyes sting with tears and I can’t breathe. I am terrified of losing this baby.
I have lost 3 babies. I don’t “go there” much and talk about it because it’s painful, it’s private and it hurts like hell. My fear, anxiety and terror are rooted in both reality and experience. Every time the bottom fell out before it seemed like I had finally relaxed and began to plan and then it would happen. I didn’t have the luxury of those “early miscarriages” mine were later, more painful, more searing and changing. My losses were chalked up to “Gods Plan” low progesterone and my least favorite “Natures way of getting rid of something that wasn’t right” Yeah that one sticks with you. Even if it’s true it’s cruel to say to a woman soaked in her own blood laying on a gurney. Sick and cruel. But that is what I lived through. More than once. Painful, bloody miscarriages (sorry graphic, but it’s the truth) No one talks about the physical pain you go through, the emotional pain is implied.
I have also given birth twice to two beautiful souls who beat the odds in my broken sorta wonky uterus. My pregnancies were not easy, they ended way ahead of schedule but I did it. I left 2 maternity wards with 2 babies. Everyone says well doesn’t that make up for the other 3? No, no it doesn’t. Certainly I have had the gift of parenting. But I still morn the others. Having a new baby doesn’t negate the pain of the others…just like a new love doesn’t make you forget about an old love. I lived in an almost constant state of panic while pregnant with my daughters. This will be no different.
One thing that is making my fear worse is honestly Dr. Google. ZOMG!!! Google is the worst thing ever for looking up baby related information. I have to stop. I must…seriously someone block google from my computer. My heart aches for some of the stories, and some of them I think it’s awesome you are sharing but really…you are just scaring people. Sometimes things go okay. Some times your HCG doesn’t double, but it’ll be okay, and sometimes they just see a gestational sac but it doesn’t mean you have a blighted ovum. OR it’s okay to have some cramps early on. WHEW. I think my google days are coming to a close.
SO I’ll end this with my fear is what I fear the most right now. I want to bask in the glory of my BFP. Stare nonstop at the nursery furniture I picked out on Friday and think about how the heck I’ll afford it! I do not want to hold a piece of my heart back from this baby because I’m afraid of losing him / her. That isn’t a good way to start. 5 days till the second ultrasound. I can’t wait.