Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Addison or Ethan August 17, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:44 am
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Dear future son or daughter,

Tomorrow I will drag my tail to a lab, they’ll test my blood and in 24 hours our lives will change.  I am terrified, more so than any other time in my life of what the results will be, not when I first rode a roller coaster, nothing like the other really difficult times in my life…this, this is something else.  It’s about you.  I want you so much, I long to feel you grow, I can’t wait to be sick as hell during the next few weeks, and the thought of feeling you kick makes me weak.  The numbers I receive over the phone line will make or break our dreams.  I tried to be brave, but I’m not.  My heart is raw with fear, it’s hard to describe how you can love someone so much, especially when that someone can’t be seen with the naked eye.

You are the result of years of wishing and hoping and longing to have a piece of us on this earth.  We love you so much, and would do anything,  give anything just to have you with us one more second.  Your daddy has waited his whole life for a child, nearly 36 years.  He’s ready for you.   I’m beyond ready to love you.  We’ve got a pretty nice life this family, it’d be worth it to stick around and see how it plays out.  I promise, there will be toys (you already have some including but not limited to a sock monkey…come on kid a sock monkey you have to see that!) movies, fun, tickles, laughter, vacations, TURKEY meat (oy with the turkey meat) big cookies, facebook  (HA!) and photos.  SO many photos.  I pledge that you’ll know we love you, you’ll grow up in a peaceful house, you won’t know sadness (or at least we’ll shield you as much as we can) your parents will stay married no matter what, (None of this every other weekend nonsense) all in all….it’ll be good. 

So kiddo…please stay strong, take whatever you need, settle in.  I will send down some chocolate, pickles, hot sause..you name it it’s yours.  Just don’t leave.

Love,

Momma

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BFP…Big Fat. Perhaps? August 16, 2011

2 of the 4 I have taken.  I’ve learned I rather enjoy peeing on things…especially when there are 2 lines instead of 1.  I should be happy right? I should be you are right. I am happy. I am also terrified. Petrified.  paralyzed with fear.  I had some strange pains that drove me to urgent care where the care was neither urgent nor clear in their information. I understand I’m 4 weeks 5 days and nothing can be seen through an ultrasound but still…the pain is significant.  The ultrasound did show a cyst. They did not put my mind at ease about the cyst and say FAGGGEETTABOUTTTIT. It’s nothing, that cyst there, that cyst is evil and is causing all the pains. SIGH.  Medical professionals just do not seems to deal with my crazy well.  I know I’m crazy, I know I’m panicky, I know that I am not rational. That is fine, I get to be all of these things because I f’ing live here. I am so deeply emotionally involved with this process I cannot and will not unplug. I don’t roll that way.  I am seriously thinking about shopping doctors.   Anyways my HCG level was 309. We retest on Wednesday. Results I’m assuming will be Thursday.  I cannot wait to have the panic subside.

In the meantime I’ll look at this picture:

And think about how cute our babies will be…because the gene pool isn’t too shabby (at least on the right side of the photo!) how could you not want to have lots and lots of that mans babies.  🙂

 

My heart. August 12, 2011

Filed under: Love it,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:47 pm
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AF doth approach..this much I know.  NOW last month I was wrecked.  This month. Not so much.  I think I’m chalking it up to “W” our last name begins with a “W” and hubs and I say that our last name is just bad luck.  SO welcome AF.  How we missed thee…NOT…BITCH.  anyways.  I have decided to hang up my thermometer, chart, checking and let go.  I cannot allow it to consume me, which it totally has.  I am overly controlling so this ought to be interesting.  In the meantime of waiting for this dreadful curse to arrive I have been thinking.  Thinking about what and where I go if this surgery doesn’t work.  Where does it leave me?  I know that I am not ready to be “done” parenting.  I know that in just 4 years when my oldest graduates I will not feel like “vacation time PARTY ON!” I will weep because my mommy gig…shouldn’t be done.  I want to keep going. 

With that said…what is next? IVF? HELL NO.  I know, I know it’s a miracle, it’s amazing, it’s making barren women mothers by the truck load but this girl will not be hopping on the IVF train.  I can spend $15K and never have a baby, or I can spend $30K and have a baby for sure.  SO adoption is what is on my heart.  If Hubs and I can’t get an egg and sperm together the natural (and f’ing fun way!) then I feel like that is Gods wish.  Maybe adoption is the route we are to take.   I would love a domestic infant adoption, but my heart longs for international, specifically Russia.  I love Russia, I’ve have always ALWAYS even since I was little wanted to visit.  Maybe the reason Russia has always intrigued me is because my future son or daughter(s) are going to be from there.  Who knows..I don’t. No one does.  That is the mystery of life.  I can only do with what is provided to me.  I know that my time as a mother is not ending soon.  I know they’ll be another act.  If it’s not a baby who shares my DNA that so be it. 

To quote my favorite movie “Shelby  Robin don’t be stupid there is plenty of kids who need good homes..hell we’ll buy em’ if we have to” (steel magnolias) NOT that I would really buy a child, but in the end that is what adoption feels like and seems like.  I need very much to focus on the options and not focus on what might not work.  That is too painful and crushing. I can’t even sorta glance at the prospect of that.  I just can’t right now.  It’s too raw, and too painful.

 

I didn’t get it. August 7, 2011

Filed under: Love it — bloggingreluctantly @ 6:40 pm
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I didn’t get blogging until now. I thought it was a clicke’, high school, needless bunch of drama until now.  I understand it because I feel like I have a purpose in the blogosphere.  I didn’t consider myself a mommy blogger since my kids are half-grown, now I see I’m sorta  mommy quest blogger and that fits.  I used to hate blogs. NOW I love it.  SO I guess I’m not blogging reluctantly anymore. 🙂

 

Too Weak Wait August 5, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:44 am
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Just having one of those evenings when I see baby pictures on FB and hear status’ updates on FB about ultra sounds and think this is never going to be us.  The 2 week wait kicks my ass. I waited 3 years to undo my stupid decisions, I wish I could just blink and see to pink lines.  I find myself being irritated with (what I deem) unfit mothers in stores or on TV and think there is no justice.  WHY do they get babies whom are unkempt and ignored and we are ready, willing, able and above all READY to have this gift and there are days when it feels like it’s never going to happen.   Do other TR mom’s go through this? UGH.  CD22 of a 30 days cycle.  I guess the good news is tomorrow it’ll be only 7 days until I can test.  And I’m fighting the urge to buy an early detection test like nobody’s business.

 

CD21 5 DPO (OH and pickles) August 4, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:21 am
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Checking in CD 21 5 DPO my temperature is over a degree higher than it has been, and I’m craving pickles…and all food sounds good. (ALL FOOD YA’LL) I’m very guarded, I will not take one of those tests you see until I miss a period, but I feel so positive.  Being a TTC’er it’s hard to find good feelings and I am feeling good. TIRED. But good. I really hope the next 9 damn days go fast!