Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Light House work? September 18, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 5:30 pm
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So last Monday our baby didn’t care for the 4 mile walk I attempted to do and we had some spotting.  Was it huge? NO, did I freak out? YEP. Because I’ve been down this sad and sorry road too many times so I went to the ER. Maybe a little bit dramatic but I am a big believer in getting the information straight between my eyes.  If the baby had passed I don’t want 2 nano-seconds of false crap.  I want to know NOW.  Needless to say after shaking so violently Mike had to hold me down we saw the heartbeat.  I think everything is okay….the part of me that has left the hospital emptied handed before leads me to say that I am going to wait it out and see.  The spotting has stopped FOR NOW.  The doctor ordered bedrest (I can work but only because I sit All.Day. and then at home it’s feet up….maybe some light housework.  What the funk is light house work? I have no idea.

On a happy note I’m told I can stop the Crinone next week Saturday which just happens to be my birthday.  Best birthday gift ever.  Though I’m freaking out about stopping because what if, what if, what if???  Everything I’ve read (and it’s a lot) says it’s safe.  Time will tell.  If I had more to take I would but it would require a refill and another 170.00 not that there is anything I wouldn’t pay to keep babykins all snuggly in there but I also need to trust the doctors.  Not something I do easily.  A new fun wrinkle in this pregnancy is the flip to “night” sickness and headaches. Oh my God the headaches.   By about 5 I am sick as a dog and my head feels like it’s in a vise. Not good times.  

Aside from the scare of a lifetime things are okay.  I’m ready to usher in the 2nd trimester and it’s only a month away. HA!  I’m off to hopefully take a 9 week 3 day belly photo.  I still feel like a bloated pig. 😦

 

8 weeks September 11, 2011

Filed under: Babies By Levin,Baby Bumps,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 9:15 pm
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Week 7 not my best week, I felt bloated and disgusting and was too vain to take a photo of myself.  I have serious body image issues.  The beginning of week 8 isn’t looking much better.  I still have not gained any weight but I just feel awful in my skin.  This is the definition of vanity.  I don’t feel pretty or glowy I feel ugly and bloated.  My pants, bra, hell even my underwear bug me.  I’m ready to run out and get some plus size panties just to not feel like everything is sticking to me HA!   To say pregnancy doesn’t become me is a friggen understatement. 

I finally broke down and called the doctor and asked for some Zofran.  It did help but created a whole other set of problems.  I’ll spare you the details but if you want you can google Zofran side effects and yes the first and most awful one is the one I have.  SO needless to say I’m not take that anymore.  I’d rather be sick day in and day out than have that.   Besides THAT whatelse…oh anything with carbonation bugs me, and if I even think about chicken or anything spicy (gagging as I type this) I feel sick.  Pizza is good, red meat is good, sweets…UM depends on what it is.   Thinking of pizza…pizza doesn’t sound bad.  HA! My oldests father owns a pizza restaurant and Friday night when I dropped her off I had her call and order myself and our youngest a pizza. YUMMO (Hubs hates it) I didn’t eat much but what I did have was fantastic.   This whole food aversion thing is strange. I originally could have lived on Chicken tacos from Chilis now I couldn’t eat it if I had to.  Weirdo baby things.

It was fantastic to not have a Friday doctor appointment and to not have the stress and worry, we don’t go again until the 27.  3 days after my 35th and hubs 36th birthday (for those  not aware my husband and I have the same birthday) On Friday we are going to see Lewis Black in Mount Pleasant at a casino.  I’m really looking forward to that, except I’m sure there will be cigarette smoke…wonder how that’ll sit with the sickness 🙂 HA!  Let’s hope by next week at this time my vanity will be a little more under control. YEAH right.

 

 

Time makes you older….. September 7, 2011

Filed under: Love it — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:14 am
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Took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes bolder, children get older
I’m getting older too, well
Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes bolder, children get older
I’m getting older too, well, I’m getting older too

So take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide brought down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe, well maybe, well maybe
The landslide will bring you down

Stevie Nicks said it best.  Time makes you bolder, children get older….I’m getting older too.  I’m too far into my mothering career to really morn the changes, but there is something about having a daughter in high school and another on the brink of middle school that shakes me.  Especially since I am expecting.  These two are my greatest accomplishments, the proof that my body didn’t let me down twice.  And look how wonderful they are.  So similar and yet so different.  I weep when I look at this photo.  I want to freeze time, keep them safe.  I want to keep them as “mine” but that isn’t why we have children.  We bring them into the world to set them free and let them fly.  There is nothing harder. 

I will always believe that the greatest gift I have been given during my quest to have more children is the great and grand realization of how fast time goes.  I will savor every moment, because it’s fleeting.  I didn’t soak up every second with them.  I wished them to sleep, I longed them to walk, to talk, to get older because it was easy on me.  Oh the selfishness.  I would give anything to go back, back to those nights with my youngest when she had ear infections and she always had ear infections when I walked the house rocking her trying to sooth her until the Tylenol kicked in…or when my oldest WOULD.NOT.SLEEP.  I wish I would have enjoyed it instead of crying in her nursery begging her to sleep. HA! For the record, she didn’t cry she just stared at me with those big brown eyes she still has and would smirk.  I cried A LOT.  I was 20 and dumb as a box of hair.  I had the whole world by the tail and didn’t see it.  I insisted on perfection, never let them be dirty, said no and stop that….not this time.  I vow to take our babies out in the mud and enjoy the dirt and the simple things of life.  To say NO less and YES more, to laugh at the funny things they do instead of being exhausted.  It’ll be a challenge but I know that time is like an hour-glass glued to the table (another song line).

Another school year has begun.  Wonder where it’ll take us.

 

What Crinone 8% can teach you. September 5, 2011

Filed under: Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:48 pm
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This weekend has been rough, perhaps it’s my advancing pregnancy or it’s the medicine that is allowing me to stay pregnant either way I am dreadfully sick.  Friday I clawed my way through the work day came home and slept for 3 hours.  In my bed. I never do this, but my room is always cold and the nausea and the spinning warranted cool air.  It makes you feel drunk, hung over, wildly unstable on every front and has some of the most unpleasant side effects that you’ll ever experience.  OH I forgot the fatigue.  The I can’t stay awake no matter what but when it’s normal bed time I’m WIDE ASS AWAKE, tired as a dog, fatigue.  Vicious cycle.  The sickness is so bad, I cannot open my refrigerator, or even take my prenatal vitamins because seriously they gross me the hell out. If I walk across my house I have to sit down…….

SO as I was lamenting on my woe’s of the medicine it hit me, shut the “F” up.  There are so many women who would give the teeth to be this sick,  I was one of them.  I paid a hell of a lot of money to be in this situation, we are blessed beyond measure.  This medicine is keeping our little one in there hopefully until his / her birthday but it’s at least giving us a shot.  I need to stop the complaining.  I would really really love some Zofran to knock down the sickness and at least let me WALK without feeling like I’m going to pass out.  HA!

I read a lot of IF blogs and it made me see how selfish I really am being.  All women know that pregnancy is ugly, it’s not all happy baby bumps and cuteness, it’s raw, painful, scary, and it makes you sick.  It’s hard on everyone including but not limited to your husband / partner.  One of the unpleasant side effects of Crinone is it kills your sex drive, and even if the medicine didn’t the manner of administration (ahem) doesn’t really make you want to burn up the sheets.  I know that before Crinone anything bedroom related was scary for hubs and this may be TMI but we have a really great bedroom life. NOW? NOT.SO.MUCH.  Sigh.  Again this is a price you pay.  He gets that, but I feel bad, for me I have no desire.  Him…well he’s a man. HA!

Bringing new life into this world is just plain tricky, the process is beautifully simply and incredibly complex, it’s filled with emotions and pain and unmeasurable amounts of joy.  Everytime I post here about my pregnancy my heart aches a bit for the women out there waiting to be sick, who would give everything to be me.  I think about all of you, I pray that you get your BFP.  That your pregnancy is seen all the way to the end. (and I vow to NEVER EVER wish you a sticky bean because that bugs me when others say it!)

 

7 weeks Exactly September 4, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,BFP AND ME,Love it,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:30 pm
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7 weeks exactly. Heartbeat 131. The heartbeat could be heard through my tummy which surprised me, I did have to have the dreaded internal ultrasound but I was amazed that it could be heard the “normal” way. We are  two very thankful parents.  We are out of the weekly ultrasound world.  We do not have to return to the doctor’s office until 9.27 for my actual first OB appointment.  Seems strange since I’ve been at this a month already.   I think I can breathe, but I also know it could all be taken away at any moment.

 

Ya know… September 1, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:52 am
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What I hate. I hate this mid-week scare that I have waiting for Friday.  Friday is our next ultrasound and somewhere around this time of the “wait” is when I think about how this is never going to work out.  How I won’t see a heartbeat and I’ll have this image in my head that I’ll chew on over and over of a blank ultrasound screen.  No happy feelings, just a miserable memory that will haunt us.  I hate this.  Initially I wanted 3 more children.  To tell you the truth if we have a boy first (and IF this pregnancy lasts) this may be it.  I have never been so scared.  I want off this roller coaster.  (not by a miscarriage) I want so badly to enjoy this pregnancy.   I also think that starting to have OB appointments this early is horrible.  You know to much, you fear to much, you have all of these people making you feel like it’s all gonna go down the drain.  Imagine if I didn’t step foot inside an OB office for 3 more weeks.  OH MY HELL all this stress wouldn’t be.  I know to much. 

I feel turned inside out.  Maybe it’s the Crinone…maybe it’s just life because we are BUSY YO. (can I can a HELL YEAH on school starting???) BUT me thinks it’s my lack of control.  I hate not having control.  I know that I’m not in control but DAMN IT I want to be…..A panic attack can’t be far away.