Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

What Crinone 8% can teach you. September 5, 2011

Filed under: Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:48 pm
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This weekend has been rough, perhaps it’s my advancing pregnancy or it’s the medicine that is allowing me to stay pregnant either way I am dreadfully sick.  Friday I clawed my way through the work day came home and slept for 3 hours.  In my bed. I never do this, but my room is always cold and the nausea and the spinning warranted cool air.  It makes you feel drunk, hung over, wildly unstable on every front and has some of the most unpleasant side effects that you’ll ever experience.  OH I forgot the fatigue.  The I can’t stay awake no matter what but when it’s normal bed time I’m WIDE ASS AWAKE, tired as a dog, fatigue.  Vicious cycle.  The sickness is so bad, I cannot open my refrigerator, or even take my prenatal vitamins because seriously they gross me the hell out. If I walk across my house I have to sit down…….

SO as I was lamenting on my woe’s of the medicine it hit me, shut the “F” up.  There are so many women who would give the teeth to be this sick,  I was one of them.  I paid a hell of a lot of money to be in this situation, we are blessed beyond measure.  This medicine is keeping our little one in there hopefully until his / her birthday but it’s at least giving us a shot.  I need to stop the complaining.  I would really really love some Zofran to knock down the sickness and at least let me WALK without feeling like I’m going to pass out.  HA!

I read a lot of IF blogs and it made me see how selfish I really am being.  All women know that pregnancy is ugly, it’s not all happy baby bumps and cuteness, it’s raw, painful, scary, and it makes you sick.  It’s hard on everyone including but not limited to your husband / partner.  One of the unpleasant side effects of Crinone is it kills your sex drive, and even if the medicine didn’t the manner of administration (ahem) doesn’t really make you want to burn up the sheets.  I know that before Crinone anything bedroom related was scary for hubs and this may be TMI but we have a really great bedroom life. NOW? NOT.SO.MUCH.  Sigh.  Again this is a price you pay.  He gets that, but I feel bad, for me I have no desire.  Him…well he’s a man. HA!

Bringing new life into this world is just plain tricky, the process is beautifully simply and incredibly complex, it’s filled with emotions and pain and unmeasurable amounts of joy.  Everytime I post here about my pregnancy my heart aches a bit for the women out there waiting to be sick, who would give everything to be me.  I think about all of you, I pray that you get your BFP.  That your pregnancy is seen all the way to the end. (and I vow to NEVER EVER wish you a sticky bean because that bugs me when others say it!)

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7 weeks Exactly September 4, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,BFP AND ME,Love it,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:30 pm
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7 weeks exactly. Heartbeat 131. The heartbeat could be heard through my tummy which surprised me, I did have to have the dreaded internal ultrasound but I was amazed that it could be heard the “normal” way. We are  two very thankful parents.  We are out of the weekly ultrasound world.  We do not have to return to the doctor’s office until 9.27 for my actual first OB appointment.  Seems strange since I’ve been at this a month already.   I think I can breathe, but I also know it could all be taken away at any moment.

 

Ya know… September 1, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:52 am
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What I hate. I hate this mid-week scare that I have waiting for Friday.  Friday is our next ultrasound and somewhere around this time of the “wait” is when I think about how this is never going to work out.  How I won’t see a heartbeat and I’ll have this image in my head that I’ll chew on over and over of a blank ultrasound screen.  No happy feelings, just a miserable memory that will haunt us.  I hate this.  Initially I wanted 3 more children.  To tell you the truth if we have a boy first (and IF this pregnancy lasts) this may be it.  I have never been so scared.  I want off this roller coaster.  (not by a miscarriage) I want so badly to enjoy this pregnancy.   I also think that starting to have OB appointments this early is horrible.  You know to much, you fear to much, you have all of these people making you feel like it’s all gonna go down the drain.  Imagine if I didn’t step foot inside an OB office for 3 more weeks.  OH MY HELL all this stress wouldn’t be.  I know to much. 

I feel turned inside out.  Maybe it’s the Crinone…maybe it’s just life because we are BUSY YO. (can I can a HELL YEAH on school starting???) BUT me thinks it’s my lack of control.  I hate not having control.  I know that I’m not in control but DAMN IT I want to be…..A panic attack can’t be far away.

 

Flickers of hope August 27, 2011

We saw our wee one on Friday.  We also saw his / her little heart beat as a flickering of light.  Too light to be measured but it was there.  Daddy got to see it too.  While I have seen this multiple times it is the first time my husband has seen his own childs heartbeat.  I simply can’t imagine how that must feel. To be nearly 36 years old and to have longed to have a child and then to see it.  Brings tears to my eyes.  We were laying in bed last night talking about where we were in December.  We had tabled and untabled the children discussion many times.  MANY times.  The costs just felt so out of reach for many years.  To this day I’m still not sure how we made it work.  But we did…anyways while we were talking we recounted the stress of saving half of our years wages and then the waiting for the surgery the recovery from surgery, the waiting we had to do to start trying, the failed cycle, the false positive etc….had we done none of the sacrifice that little heart would not be beating.   It went fast for us, and we are not out of the woods, we could still have a loss but right now baby measures exactly where I thought I was.  Exactly 6 weeks today.  It’s very strange to be only 6 weeks and have already had 4 ultrasounds.  We have another scheduled for Friday 9.2.  Thank God my employer is okay with appointments.

During the last ultrasound I had another appointment scheduled for the same day about an hour and a half after the ultrasound so I could meet with a doctor and get some of my questions answered.  I have been concerned about low progesterone.  I had this with my last daughter and lost a child because of it.  On the last ultrasound a doctor within that practice stated my progesterone of 14.8 was okay and no supplements were needed.   I never felt comfortable.  My pregnancy symptoms were none.  Breast pain..minimal and fleeting.  Naseaua..not even enough to really bother me.  AND I’ve lost 6 lbs since I found out I was pregnant.  I just felt “off”  SO I explained all of this to a new doctor and she immediately put me on Crinone 8%.  It’s not pleasant but it works.  I took it last night and in three hours I get to do it again and I can already feel the effects.   Moral of this story…if something feels wrong it is.  She said they want to see over 15 and I should have been put on it.  I’m glad that I said something. 

I am so anxious to be out of the realm of these weekly visits.  I do not like this attention.  I love to see my peanut (or LUMPY as we’re calling him / her because that is what it looks like!) but it’ll be nice to just be any other pregnant lady on a once a month rotation of appointments.  It makes me feel high risk, and I hate it.  6 more weeks till the end of the trimester.  I’ll be so happy to be on the other side.  If God gives us the opportunity to get that far.

 

All we have to fear……………. August 21, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:01 pm
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I took this photo this morning while out for a much shorter walk than what I normally would do, I love the way the flowers hang down and the planters look next to the road.  They do a nice job.  While I was walking my mind drifted away to next summer and what these walks might look like.  I’m guessing I’ll be a little rounder, a little more motivated to push myself further and God willing I’ll be pushing not only myself but one of those fancy strollers I swooned over at Babies R Us on Friday.  You know the one’s…the ones you mortgage your house for but have to have! HA.  And just as I think about a little baby sleeping away the miles the panic sets in, my throat gets tight my eyes sting with tears and I can’t breathe.  I am terrified of losing this baby.

I have lost 3 babies.  I don’t “go there” much and talk about it because it’s painful, it’s private and it hurts like hell.   My fear, anxiety and terror are rooted in both reality and experience.  Every time the bottom fell out before it seemed like I had finally relaxed and began to plan and then it would happen.  I didn’t have the luxury of those “early miscarriages” mine were later, more painful, more searing and changing.  My losses were chalked up to “Gods Plan” low progesterone and my least favorite “Natures way of getting rid of something that wasn’t right”  Yeah that one sticks with you.  Even if it’s true it’s cruel to say to a woman soaked in her own blood laying on a gurney.  Sick and cruel.  But that is what I lived through.  More than once.  Painful, bloody miscarriages (sorry graphic, but it’s the truth) No one talks about the physical pain you go through, the emotional pain is implied. 

I have also given birth twice to two beautiful souls who beat the odds in my broken sorta wonky uterus.  My pregnancies were not easy, they ended way ahead of schedule but I did it.  I left 2 maternity wards with 2 babies.  Everyone says well doesn’t that make up for the other 3? No, no it doesn’t.  Certainly I have had the gift of parenting.  But I still morn the others.  Having a new baby doesn’t negate the pain of the others…just like a new love doesn’t make you forget about an old love.  I lived in an almost constant state of panic while pregnant with my daughters.  This will be no different.

One thing that is making my fear worse is honestly Dr. Google.  ZOMG!!! Google is the worst thing ever for looking up baby related information.  I have to stop. I must…seriously someone block google from my computer.  My heart aches for some of the stories, and some of them I think it’s awesome you are sharing but really…you are just scaring people.  Sometimes things go okay.  Some times your HCG doesn’t double, but it’ll be okay, and sometimes they just see a gestational sac but it doesn’t mean you have a blighted ovum.  OR it’s okay to have some cramps early on.  WHEW. I think my google days are coming to a close.  

SO I’ll end this with my fear is what I fear the most right now.  I want to bask in the glory of my BFP.  Stare nonstop at the nursery furniture I picked out on Friday and think about how the heck I’ll afford it! I do not want to hold a piece of my heart back from this baby because I’m afraid of losing him / her.  That isn’t a good way to start.  5 days till the second ultrasound.  I can’t wait.

 

Update August 20, 2011

HCG ~ 1700+

Transvaginal ultrasound showed a gestational sac in the uterus.  Progesterone 14. Things look good…real good. But we’ll rescan on Friday just to see if a yoke sac is present and God Willing a heartbeat. 

As I sat in the little room at the doctors office I peaked out the window and within my field of view I saw 4 crosses on top of a church next door.  It gave me peace.  Peace that My God Is Faithful, God Is Good, God Is Just.  No matter what that scan showed me I knew it in that moment that all I already knew to be true, was true.  For some reason those crosses were a sign to me.  I am humbled to have gotten this far in having another baby.  What a Gift our God Gives us.  I know that this baby is not mine, he / she is not my husbands, he / she belongs to God.  I will never lose sight of how blessed we are to have conceived at all.  It was not my testing, charting, reasearch.  It was and will always be a gift from above.

 

Hold your happy August 19, 2011

Filed under: Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,I hate it.,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:31 am
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HCG 8/15/11 ~ 301

HCG 8/17/2011 ~ 749

Pain continues. Referred to an OBGYN specialist 8/18/2011

Fear continues, tears a~plenty, comfort level -1000.  Desire to have this baby…cannot be measured.   We retest HCG again 8/19/2011 and hope to meet with the specialist same day.  More updates to come.