Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Ya know… September 1, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:52 am
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What I hate. I hate this mid-week scare that I have waiting for Friday.  Friday is our next ultrasound and somewhere around this time of the “wait” is when I think about how this is never going to work out.  How I won’t see a heartbeat and I’ll have this image in my head that I’ll chew on over and over of a blank ultrasound screen.  No happy feelings, just a miserable memory that will haunt us.  I hate this.  Initially I wanted 3 more children.  To tell you the truth if we have a boy first (and IF this pregnancy lasts) this may be it.  I have never been so scared.  I want off this roller coaster.  (not by a miscarriage) I want so badly to enjoy this pregnancy.   I also think that starting to have OB appointments this early is horrible.  You know to much, you fear to much, you have all of these people making you feel like it’s all gonna go down the drain.  Imagine if I didn’t step foot inside an OB office for 3 more weeks.  OH MY HELL all this stress wouldn’t be.  I know to much. 

I feel turned inside out.  Maybe it’s the Crinone…maybe it’s just life because we are BUSY YO. (can I can a HELL YEAH on school starting???) BUT me thinks it’s my lack of control.  I hate not having control.  I know that I’m not in control but DAMN IT I want to be…..A panic attack can’t be far away.

 

Hold your happy August 19, 2011

Filed under: Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,I hate it.,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:31 am
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HCG 8/15/11 ~ 301

HCG 8/17/2011 ~ 749

Pain continues. Referred to an OBGYN specialist 8/18/2011

Fear continues, tears a~plenty, comfort level -1000.  Desire to have this baby…cannot be measured.   We retest HCG again 8/19/2011 and hope to meet with the specialist same day.  More updates to come.

 

Too Weak Wait August 5, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:44 am
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Just having one of those evenings when I see baby pictures on FB and hear status’ updates on FB about ultra sounds and think this is never going to be us.  The 2 week wait kicks my ass. I waited 3 years to undo my stupid decisions, I wish I could just blink and see to pink lines.  I find myself being irritated with (what I deem) unfit mothers in stores or on TV and think there is no justice.  WHY do they get babies whom are unkempt and ignored and we are ready, willing, able and above all READY to have this gift and there are days when it feels like it’s never going to happen.   Do other TR mom’s go through this? UGH.  CD22 of a 30 days cycle.  I guess the good news is tomorrow it’ll be only 7 days until I can test.  And I’m fighting the urge to buy an early detection test like nobody’s business.

 

The one about the crushing. July 10, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,TTC HPT BFP and ME,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 10:21 pm
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Since it is glaringly obvious in the photo above I’m (well someone is, you do not know my feet and have no idea its ME) in a gown, foot is sans shoe or sock, and I’m nervous since I’m taking photos…yep I’m getting the physical, the yearly uncomfortable situation all us ladies endure…problem being I had not been in years (hold your comments…I know) I went through 6 years of hell, I just didn’t care, then hubs decided to throw the whole “YEAH I want my own kids” up in the mix and guess who had to start thinking about these things again. MOI.  anyways.  The appointment started off with a visit to the damn dirty liar of a scale and since we are TTC they wanted a urine sample, now let me keep it real here.  I was on 7/6/2011 on day 23 of a my typically 29 day cycle, even the best of the best first response / clear blue easy / EPT’s out there are pushed to their limits in detecting HCG that early but why not, I’ll humor these jokers and give them my sample….I proceeded to my room, donned the sweet gown you see above and waited…truly forgetting about the pregnancy test because  last month was weird, I normally have every single symptom of ovulation…this month NADA.  I also ovulated on my left side which is not be best side, so when they wanted to test I thought HA, yeah.  The doctor comes in the room, we start chatting he begins various tests that I’ll spare you the details on, then the door flies open and the nurse says “IT’S POSITIVE” I of course started to cry, because HELLO folks this is the BFP….the biggest fattest positive of my life.  I kept looking at the doctor begging him to tell me she is wrong…nothing, he says they are almost NEVER wrong.  So he wraps up the balance of my tests, they write my orders up for an OB ultra sound, send me to the lab for a serum pregnancy test and are all CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Now let me break it down…I know me, I’ve lived here nearly 35 years, I know I am not pregnant at this point, but I WANTED to be so much, and with not only the doctor saying hell yeah you are and EVEN throwing in the comment of “That looks like a pregnant cervix to me!” I was 98%  leaning their way.  I of course bought some HPT to be sure and after telling my husband, texting my BFF…I settled into the balance of my work day with a feeling of OMG….we did it.  ONLY to have it all destroyed within hours.  I got home, did both tests, both negative.  I knew it.  I cried all night ya’ll.  We were told to contact the doctor’s office around 10:00 a.m. for the results. THEY called me, NEVER a good sign,  this nurse….who I have no idea how I’ll ever look at again starts this conversation with “Was your husband excited” then proceeds to tell me your results are negative BUT Dr. still thinks you are because of the test here….and wants to see you in a week.  I have never in my life wanted to rip a persons throat out through a phone cord as I did in that moment.  Of course my husband was excited, this is his first child….and now that is gone and I get to tell him as much. 

Thursday at 11:00 a.m. I am supposed to go in and see the doctor for a re-test, my AF is set to start in 2 days, I am 100% asymptomatic of pregnancy and I want to start doctor shopping.  They both left a horrible taste in my mouth and I’m just crushed.  WE are crushed.  This wasn’t what we needed at this moment.   I pray like hell that there is some totally random chance we are, but I know in my heart this was a wasted cycle and we’ll be right back at it again.  I don’t think I’m strong enough to be a woman who struggles with infertility.  Not that I can really classify myself as that now but it’s just a really hard situation to think about and this wasn’t good.

 

Ipod Revelations July 1, 2011

Filed under: 30's,I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 2:23 am

I’m back at my walking routine…LOVE IT. I always take my Ipod with me and I have some old music on it that does not have titles put on since it was ripped off of CD’s.  When it gets down to those songs it’s always a surprise.  It shuffled to the song by Celine Dion  “A new Day”  The lyrics if you’ve never heard it:

A new day…
A new day….

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don’t shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I’d make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, its almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun…

A new day has… come

Where it was dark now there’s light
Where there was pain now there’s joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, its almost blinding me
I can’t belive
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun…

A new day has…

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun…

A new day has….come

Ohhh, a light

Hush, now

I see a light in your eyes
All in the eyes of a boy

I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Hush, now

Hush, now

 
This song was significant to me at one time, and as I walked along it felt significant again.  I feel so torn in my life. I feel torn between duty and desire.  My desire to simplify my life, and my duty to be stuck in the work a day world because bills must be paid…and life must go on.  I have this nagging desire to just be basically a hippie. Eat and live organic, walk around without shoes, garden, be still, no rushing.  Just live.  It’ll never happen, because life moves so fast.  Maybe my desire to calm things is a futile attempt to slow the clock, or maybe it’s a sign things must change I don’t know.
 
Middle of next month I have an appointment with a psychic, and I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts and questions and since my walks are the only time I have to really think I spend that 1 hour + knitting thoughts together and compiling a list of things to ask someone who may be able to see into my future and tell me what the hell is going, am I heading toward a path of real change or am I simply CCFCP (cooo cooo for Coco Puffs) The idea of having that crystal ball is a bit scary.  I want so much to have the life I’ve created, but there are days when I hate the pace and the routine and the tread  mill of working and the days that slowly burn into the next.  I just want to EAT life, not have life eat me.   Maybe I’m having a pre-mid life crisis, or maybe I have a job I can barely stand (on a good day) maybe we’ve been married nearly 4 years and the magic feels gone (still love him dearly not saying we are having issues we aren’t just NO ROMANCE), maybe my kids are almost grown and despite the fact we are TTC I find myself feeling useless.  I do not know, but what I do know is a “New Day” would really be awesome right now.
 

Heavy April 30, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,I hate it.,Love it,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 9:46 pm

So we are now down to hours till we leave…less than 70 hours till we are south bound.  Can.not.wait.  On Thursday I met up with my BFF and had a bite to eat…she had Panera, I had a Panera muffin filled to the brim with dairy…I know tisk, tisk, but I had it, it was awesome and the chatting was really what I needed.  SO during this consumption of fat we talked about guardianship of my  youngest, advance directives (you know feel good subjects HA!) but she said “contact my mom (who works at a law firm) she can help you” so I did.  The back story is my first husband died in August 2003 of testicular cancer, it was sudden and unexpected which is an understatement since he was 26 years old. You NEVER think someone you care about will die at 26 from terminal cancer, but that is what happened.  It changed me and my life forever in ways that his family will never grasp, probably in ways I cannot even fully understand. 

The above mentioned situation is why I think…guardianship and advance directives are so important.  Obviously my ex didn’t need guardianship, even if he would have designated someone it wouldn’t have matter as I am her legal parent….but for me it is important because if I die my youngest is left in limbo.  Sure there are 100 people who would want her but there is only 1 person I want to have her, and that is my husband.  Not that I do not care for my former in-laws because they are very important to ME, and are Gods to my girls, but they should be her grand parents not her parents.  Parenting is sacred, it is the trust put upon us by Our Lord, we do not “own them” we are given them as a gift, they ultimately belong To Him.  This truth I hold fast to, that truth is what is allowing me to go through this reversal process, if I do not make a change to myself to at least be able to carry those gifts, I for sure will never have one….(I’m really stressed and this post will veer on and off subject A LOT so hang in there!)

As I signed over my durable power of attorney and guardianship designation papers I wept, because it really made me see the seriousness of what I am going through…there are many people in my world that have blown off this procedure as not dangerous, not a big deal, whatever.  Folks this is a big deal, it is a large incision, similar to open heart surgery just in a different direction.  Totally ignorant are these people…that attitude is why I will NOT be saying bye to them before we leave town. I do not need anymore “you’re crazy talk”.  I want to sit with the stress of it, absorb it, not dwell on it, but have a healthy respect for it.  It’s not going to be easy to go through it, and it will most certainly not be easy to recover.  It’s big, and even if it’s not big to them they should see me shake at the idea of it and see it’s big and keep their mouth shut…..like I said this post will not be easy to deal with.

Okay so back to guardianship.  My husband is who I designated to be her parent why?  Here…First off the man is as close to me as my skin,  I know him.  I know how his mind works, why it works the way it does and I trust him.  With every bit of my being.  I know he won’t cut her any slack, I know he’ll RAISE her…not let her have a reason to be weak.  Of course if I died, it would be a reason to be weak, but the world will not care that both of her parents were dead, they wouldn’t give a rip about any of her sad stories.  I trust that Mike will light a fire under her ass and make her function.  My in-laws (who are beautiful people, but people who have been grieving for a long time for their son) I feel like won’t.  I feel like they’ll shield her, handicap her, and give her the blanket “okay” to be a mess.  They aren’t affectionate people I want her to be raised with hugs and hearing “I love you” I want her to be raised in the manner that I want.  Because it’s my right.  If I could change the fact that their son is gone I would, but I can’t and they do not have any right or invitation to intrude on how I want my child raised.  So I put into place a legal road block.  Maybe it’s my own control freaky side that must know what will go on in the event of my death but it’s what I want, it’s what I feel is right…not just what is easy.

These are heavy subjects, but this whole situation is heavy it’s like a 500lb weight on me.  I cannot wait to have it off.  And in about 4 days I’ll be recovering God Willing my body put back together.  I cannot wait to have an update on post surgery for ya’ll.  Whew. Overwhelming.

 

Grief March 31, 2011

Filed under: I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:04 am
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I’m no stranger to grief, it’s as much a part of me as the color of my eyes or my nose.  I know the steps, the pain, the swirling haze that only grief can do to you.  No matter how prepared I am, it paralyzes me. I have no words, no advice, I stare blindly at the grieving and say nothing.  I don’t offer my own process of dealing. I just stand there, saying nothing.  I sometimes wonder why?  Why can I not say anything, maybe it’s because all I have are cliché’s to utter and those are the LAST damn thing anyone wants to hear.  Time is the only thing that helps and it is the GRAND DADDY of the stupid cliché’s, but it’s also valid.  Time is the ONLY thing that helps you. Not meds, not food, not drugs, not booze, not a “new love”, not an OLD love.  Time.  Is it.

The days click by putting space between you and the hurt, and the TIME will be another source of HURT because the time itself makes you cognizant of the loss.  So Time is a double edged sword.  Irrational I know, but that is grief.  A completely irrational pain that cannot be made better, no one can ever EVER bring back the person you miss and yet you fall asleep wishing, and you wake up wishing, and songs on the radio trigger memories, photos of your love one feel like they’ll tear you limb from limb.  Holidays are knives in your stomach, spilling your guts on the floor.  But the sun rises, and it sets, and the seasons change and somewhere in the middle of Thanksgiving and New Years you laughed, and that one day you laughed you didn’t feel bad about it…so another laugh happens, and you catch a glimpse of  yourself, maybe it’s in the mirror or your reflection in a spoon, or in the eyes of your children and you realize that TIME was what has made things better.  The very balance of the day, the weeks, the months, the seasons have helped you regain your balance.  The ebb and flow of the ocean, the moon’s phases whatever it is, it gets you back on your feet. You’ll never be whole again, but you will be better.

My grief brought me to the edge, the closest I have ever been to ending my own life, the pain was so strong, so completely consuming that the only way out that I saw and could think of with my grief soaked brain was to take my leave.   That memory alone keeps me in fear for my husband and children’s safety, because I know my way to that bathroom sink, counting out the Tylenol, making the situation available to not be found, to know at what exact milligram dosage kills you, and what kills your liver.  I know that if something happened today to my family, I probably would be right back at that counter.  Maybe that is what keeps me from going to the grieving and sharing my words, my process, because my process is too hard to revisit.  Tomorrow I’ll attend the funeral of my mothers dearest friends.  In a situation that is too complicated to explain I’ll see people that were in my life during the worst time of my life, and those people will be grieving, they don’t even have to say anything, their faces trigger hurt so deep inside me I’m hopeful I can get out of my car and face them.  I wish I could say thank you for helping me, even when I pushed you away and made you hate me.  I wish I could say somthing ANYTHING that would help, but I know, that they know the only thing that helps is TIME.  So they’ll begin that march, that dreadful first year without your loved one march.  The birthdays, the holidays, the wedding anniversaries.  They’ll face it, and like me they’ll regain their footing.  It just takes time.

I hate death, fuck grief, fuck the grim reaper.  I hate that pain, the sounds of the hurt.  I hate this all.