Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

14 weeks 2 days October 23, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,Baby Bumps,Love it — bloggingreluctantly @ 5:13 pm
Tags: , , ,

Hey Yo, it’s been a bit since I’ve posted.  Thankfully things are smoothing out…well aside from my insane stomach problems but let’s be real that ALWAYS is a problem and will still be a problem even after Wilson baby 1st edition is on the scene. We had our NT scan which was good, first round of blood work was good.  The babies heart rate has settled into a nice 145-150 range and I am getting rounder every day.  I’m still in awe of the fact that I am expecting.  I think when my water breaks I’ll still be in awe.  I have to say that everyday that ticks by this baby and I bond a little more.  Hubby has really started bonding as well.  He asks to hear the heartbeat and frequently rests his hands on my stomach at night.   Something that makes my heart skip every time.  I didn’t think it was possible to love him more but having him love this baby already makes me love him more. 

We have our next appointment on Tuesday and we find out gender on 11.28.2011 the first Monday after Thanksgiving.  We have so much to be thankful for this year.   Until next time…

 

Time makes you older….. September 7, 2011

Filed under: Love it — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:14 am
Tags: , , , ,

Took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes bolder, children get older
I’m getting older too, well
Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes bolder, children get older
I’m getting older too, well, I’m getting older too

So take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide brought down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe, well maybe, well maybe
The landslide will bring you down

Stevie Nicks said it best.  Time makes you bolder, children get older….I’m getting older too.  I’m too far into my mothering career to really morn the changes, but there is something about having a daughter in high school and another on the brink of middle school that shakes me.  Especially since I am expecting.  These two are my greatest accomplishments, the proof that my body didn’t let me down twice.  And look how wonderful they are.  So similar and yet so different.  I weep when I look at this photo.  I want to freeze time, keep them safe.  I want to keep them as “mine” but that isn’t why we have children.  We bring them into the world to set them free and let them fly.  There is nothing harder. 

I will always believe that the greatest gift I have been given during my quest to have more children is the great and grand realization of how fast time goes.  I will savor every moment, because it’s fleeting.  I didn’t soak up every second with them.  I wished them to sleep, I longed them to walk, to talk, to get older because it was easy on me.  Oh the selfishness.  I would give anything to go back, back to those nights with my youngest when she had ear infections and she always had ear infections when I walked the house rocking her trying to sooth her until the Tylenol kicked in…or when my oldest WOULD.NOT.SLEEP.  I wish I would have enjoyed it instead of crying in her nursery begging her to sleep. HA! For the record, she didn’t cry she just stared at me with those big brown eyes she still has and would smirk.  I cried A LOT.  I was 20 and dumb as a box of hair.  I had the whole world by the tail and didn’t see it.  I insisted on perfection, never let them be dirty, said no and stop that….not this time.  I vow to take our babies out in the mud and enjoy the dirt and the simple things of life.  To say NO less and YES more, to laugh at the funny things they do instead of being exhausted.  It’ll be a challenge but I know that time is like an hour-glass glued to the table (another song line).

Another school year has begun.  Wonder where it’ll take us.

 

7 weeks Exactly September 4, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,BFP AND ME,Love it,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:30 pm
Tags: , ,

7 weeks exactly. Heartbeat 131. The heartbeat could be heard through my tummy which surprised me, I did have to have the dreaded internal ultrasound but I was amazed that it could be heard the “normal” way. We are  two very thankful parents.  We are out of the weekly ultrasound world.  We do not have to return to the doctor’s office until 9.27 for my actual first OB appointment.  Seems strange since I’ve been at this a month already.   I think I can breathe, but I also know it could all be taken away at any moment.

 

Update August 20, 2011

HCG ~ 1700+

Transvaginal ultrasound showed a gestational sac in the uterus.  Progesterone 14. Things look good…real good. But we’ll rescan on Friday just to see if a yoke sac is present and God Willing a heartbeat. 

As I sat in the little room at the doctors office I peaked out the window and within my field of view I saw 4 crosses on top of a church next door.  It gave me peace.  Peace that My God Is Faithful, God Is Good, God Is Just.  No matter what that scan showed me I knew it in that moment that all I already knew to be true, was true.  For some reason those crosses were a sign to me.  I am humbled to have gotten this far in having another baby.  What a Gift our God Gives us.  I know that this baby is not mine, he / she is not my husbands, he / she belongs to God.  I will never lose sight of how blessed we are to have conceived at all.  It was not my testing, charting, reasearch.  It was and will always be a gift from above.

 

BFP…Big Fat. Perhaps? August 16, 2011

2 of the 4 I have taken.  I’ve learned I rather enjoy peeing on things…especially when there are 2 lines instead of 1.  I should be happy right? I should be you are right. I am happy. I am also terrified. Petrified.  paralyzed with fear.  I had some strange pains that drove me to urgent care where the care was neither urgent nor clear in their information. I understand I’m 4 weeks 5 days and nothing can be seen through an ultrasound but still…the pain is significant.  The ultrasound did show a cyst. They did not put my mind at ease about the cyst and say FAGGGEETTABOUTTTIT. It’s nothing, that cyst there, that cyst is evil and is causing all the pains. SIGH.  Medical professionals just do not seems to deal with my crazy well.  I know I’m crazy, I know I’m panicky, I know that I am not rational. That is fine, I get to be all of these things because I f’ing live here. I am so deeply emotionally involved with this process I cannot and will not unplug. I don’t roll that way.  I am seriously thinking about shopping doctors.   Anyways my HCG level was 309. We retest on Wednesday. Results I’m assuming will be Thursday.  I cannot wait to have the panic subside.

In the meantime I’ll look at this picture:

And think about how cute our babies will be…because the gene pool isn’t too shabby (at least on the right side of the photo!) how could you not want to have lots and lots of that mans babies.  🙂

 

My heart. August 12, 2011

Filed under: Love it,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:47 pm
Tags: , , , ,

AF doth approach..this much I know.  NOW last month I was wrecked.  This month. Not so much.  I think I’m chalking it up to “W” our last name begins with a “W” and hubs and I say that our last name is just bad luck.  SO welcome AF.  How we missed thee…NOT…BITCH.  anyways.  I have decided to hang up my thermometer, chart, checking and let go.  I cannot allow it to consume me, which it totally has.  I am overly controlling so this ought to be interesting.  In the meantime of waiting for this dreadful curse to arrive I have been thinking.  Thinking about what and where I go if this surgery doesn’t work.  Where does it leave me?  I know that I am not ready to be “done” parenting.  I know that in just 4 years when my oldest graduates I will not feel like “vacation time PARTY ON!” I will weep because my mommy gig…shouldn’t be done.  I want to keep going. 

With that said…what is next? IVF? HELL NO.  I know, I know it’s a miracle, it’s amazing, it’s making barren women mothers by the truck load but this girl will not be hopping on the IVF train.  I can spend $15K and never have a baby, or I can spend $30K and have a baby for sure.  SO adoption is what is on my heart.  If Hubs and I can’t get an egg and sperm together the natural (and f’ing fun way!) then I feel like that is Gods wish.  Maybe adoption is the route we are to take.   I would love a domestic infant adoption, but my heart longs for international, specifically Russia.  I love Russia, I’ve have always ALWAYS even since I was little wanted to visit.  Maybe the reason Russia has always intrigued me is because my future son or daughter(s) are going to be from there.  Who knows..I don’t. No one does.  That is the mystery of life.  I can only do with what is provided to me.  I know that my time as a mother is not ending soon.  I know they’ll be another act.  If it’s not a baby who shares my DNA that so be it. 

To quote my favorite movie “Shelby  Robin don’t be stupid there is plenty of kids who need good homes..hell we’ll buy em’ if we have to” (steel magnolias) NOT that I would really buy a child, but in the end that is what adoption feels like and seems like.  I need very much to focus on the options and not focus on what might not work.  That is too painful and crushing. I can’t even sorta glance at the prospect of that.  I just can’t right now.  It’s too raw, and too painful.

 

I didn’t get it. August 7, 2011

Filed under: Love it — bloggingreluctantly @ 6:40 pm
Tags: , ,

I didn’t get blogging until now. I thought it was a clicke’, high school, needless bunch of drama until now.  I understand it because I feel like I have a purpose in the blogosphere.  I didn’t consider myself a mommy blogger since my kids are half-grown, now I see I’m sorta  mommy quest blogger and that fits.  I used to hate blogs. NOW I love it.  SO I guess I’m not blogging reluctantly anymore. 🙂