Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Where is the happy? Pappy? October 29, 2010

With the holidays basically here because let’s face it, Halloween is a mere 2 days away and from there we’ll be jingle belling until New Years and I can’t help but ask myself and my stunning brood where is the joy?  There is always a task, an errand, something stopped up, broken, or otherwise in “need” The holidays will be no different.  How do we get back to happy, or hell find happy.  I don’t know.

I find myself constantly and totally swirling about, in and out around and  consumed by panic.  I am always at a 10, I’d like to kick it down to a 5. HA!  Work always goes insane this time of the year but I vow (feel free to stop on by when I’m nose diving somewhere around 12-10-10) this Christmas will be different, I’m going to not bitch (as much) I’m going to shop early (HA!) I will not grumble about all the parties and the presents and the nonsense (and there will be plenty) I’m going to not only make this a Merry Christmas.  It’s gonna be a roooten’ tooooten’ Happy Christmas. Come Hell or high water.

First thing on the list to make Happy is my marriage, which is as solid as I’ve ever had in my life. I love him, I hate him, he hates me, he loves me….it’s a marriage dude.  I want to somehow find a way to make it more RRRAAWWWRRR and less GEZZZZ, I want to see him as the good man he is and less of a good target.  The world is not an easy place, sometimes those who share our home become the people we can yell at for all the shit the world did.  That is messed up yo. I will be starting over today.

I’ve sobbbbed my last night away, I’ve yelled the last time (for a while) Life is going to get happy…even if happy is a serious problem. (book by Dennis Prager go forth and read it if you haven’t)


For this child I prayed August 21, 2010

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him ~ Samuel 1:27

For this Etsy seller here (dear Etsy seller, you know that I know and now the readers know I didn’t accept any gifts in exchange for this shout out, I’m just in awe of your product and will be ordering one SOON, your choice of Adde is what caught my eye!)

For this amazing seller go here (same goes for this seller, not paid, just in awe!)

Why am I cruising Etsy and all hours of the night? Because I’m a hopeless night owl, which is of course a nice word for insomniac!  I had an overly stressful day, but the thought of these children our “Addison or Brennan” they are what helps me continue on.  They will be the gift, that I will be given for perseverance  in the face of so much that is working against us.  Their souls, those little beings waiting in the wings for us to put everything into place for them to arrive is so much motiviation! I will never be able to describe how much I want to see them.

We are on the brink of an anniverary,  the loss of my first husband to cancer.  It’s been 7 years.  When I see the number 7 I am taken aback.  How can that be?  He’s been gone longer from our daughters lives than he was in them.  That fact breaks my heart.  Someone told me recently on FB that I’d come and gone a long ways since high school.  I completely agree with that statement.  I’ve been taken to places I never dreamed anyone could go let alone me.  But now we, Michael and I are traveling into uncharted waters, we at the age of…..well let’s just leave that out are about to start over with parenting.  We go backwards quickly in time to day 1. Diapers, formula, what are they supposed to be doing and when?  Just when I think that will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done….I remember, no, no the hardest thing I have ever done, and hope to ever do was trying to explain that the father the girls loved would never ever be alive on this planet again.