Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

What Crinone 8% can teach you. September 5, 2011

Filed under: Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:48 pm
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This weekend has been rough, perhaps it’s my advancing pregnancy or it’s the medicine that is allowing me to stay pregnant either way I am dreadfully sick.  Friday I clawed my way through the work day came home and slept for 3 hours.  In my bed. I never do this, but my room is always cold and the nausea and the spinning warranted cool air.  It makes you feel drunk, hung over, wildly unstable on every front and has some of the most unpleasant side effects that you’ll ever experience.  OH I forgot the fatigue.  The I can’t stay awake no matter what but when it’s normal bed time I’m WIDE ASS AWAKE, tired as a dog, fatigue.  Vicious cycle.  The sickness is so bad, I cannot open my refrigerator, or even take my prenatal vitamins because seriously they gross me the hell out. If I walk across my house I have to sit down…….

SO as I was lamenting on my woe’s of the medicine it hit me, shut the “F” up.  There are so many women who would give the teeth to be this sick,  I was one of them.  I paid a hell of a lot of money to be in this situation, we are blessed beyond measure.  This medicine is keeping our little one in there hopefully until his / her birthday but it’s at least giving us a shot.  I need to stop the complaining.  I would really really love some Zofran to knock down the sickness and at least let me WALK without feeling like I’m going to pass out.  HA!

I read a lot of IF blogs and it made me see how selfish I really am being.  All women know that pregnancy is ugly, it’s not all happy baby bumps and cuteness, it’s raw, painful, scary, and it makes you sick.  It’s hard on everyone including but not limited to your husband / partner.  One of the unpleasant side effects of Crinone is it kills your sex drive, and even if the medicine didn’t the manner of administration (ahem) doesn’t really make you want to burn up the sheets.  I know that before Crinone anything bedroom related was scary for hubs and this may be TMI but we have a really great bedroom life. NOW? NOT.SO.MUCH.  Sigh.  Again this is a price you pay.  He gets that, but I feel bad, for me I have no desire.  Him…well he’s a man. HA!

Bringing new life into this world is just plain tricky, the process is beautifully simply and incredibly complex, it’s filled with emotions and pain and unmeasurable amounts of joy.  Everytime I post here about my pregnancy my heart aches a bit for the women out there waiting to be sick, who would give everything to be me.  I think about all of you, I pray that you get your BFP.  That your pregnancy is seen all the way to the end. (and I vow to NEVER EVER wish you a sticky bean because that bugs me when others say it!)


7 weeks Exactly September 4, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,BFP AND ME,Love it,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:30 pm
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7 weeks exactly. Heartbeat 131. The heartbeat could be heard through my tummy which surprised me, I did have to have the dreaded internal ultrasound but I was amazed that it could be heard the “normal” way. We are  two very thankful parents.  We are out of the weekly ultrasound world.  We do not have to return to the doctor’s office until 9.27 for my actual first OB appointment.  Seems strange since I’ve been at this a month already.   I think I can breathe, but I also know it could all be taken away at any moment.


6 weeks August 29, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,Baby Bumps,TTC — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:31 am
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Week: 6

Weight gain: Total weight lost is right around 6lbs.  Which with the Crinone on board shall be changing.  It doesn’t make me hungry as it claims, it makes me ROUND.

Cravings / aversions / etc:  OY what a difference a week can make.  I am so sick to my stomach.  Thank you Crinone.

Gender: To be determined.

Names: Female name still up in the air.  Male name Ethan Michael (kinda liking Emily, love Addison, Grace…still NO IDEA!)

Maternity Clothes: NOPE not yet.  I can’t wait really!

Exercising? Yep.  Cut back.  Walking around 2 miles 4-5 times per week.

Any new news? We saw the heartbeat, haven’t heard it yet. Hoping for that this week. Yet another ultrasound scheduled for 9.2.2011 @ 13:30.


8.26.2011 August 26, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 2:12 am

Tomorrow is our follow up ultrasound. With every bit of my soul I feel like it will be bad news.  I have no idea why I feel this way I just do.  I’m worn out.  I’m tired and I can’t stop worrying.


All we have to fear……………. August 21, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:01 pm
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I took this photo this morning while out for a much shorter walk than what I normally would do, I love the way the flowers hang down and the planters look next to the road.  They do a nice job.  While I was walking my mind drifted away to next summer and what these walks might look like.  I’m guessing I’ll be a little rounder, a little more motivated to push myself further and God willing I’ll be pushing not only myself but one of those fancy strollers I swooned over at Babies R Us on Friday.  You know the one’s…the ones you mortgage your house for but have to have! HA.  And just as I think about a little baby sleeping away the miles the panic sets in, my throat gets tight my eyes sting with tears and I can’t breathe.  I am terrified of losing this baby.

I have lost 3 babies.  I don’t “go there” much and talk about it because it’s painful, it’s private and it hurts like hell.   My fear, anxiety and terror are rooted in both reality and experience.  Every time the bottom fell out before it seemed like I had finally relaxed and began to plan and then it would happen.  I didn’t have the luxury of those “early miscarriages” mine were later, more painful, more searing and changing.  My losses were chalked up to “Gods Plan” low progesterone and my least favorite “Natures way of getting rid of something that wasn’t right”  Yeah that one sticks with you.  Even if it’s true it’s cruel to say to a woman soaked in her own blood laying on a gurney.  Sick and cruel.  But that is what I lived through.  More than once.  Painful, bloody miscarriages (sorry graphic, but it’s the truth) No one talks about the physical pain you go through, the emotional pain is implied. 

I have also given birth twice to two beautiful souls who beat the odds in my broken sorta wonky uterus.  My pregnancies were not easy, they ended way ahead of schedule but I did it.  I left 2 maternity wards with 2 babies.  Everyone says well doesn’t that make up for the other 3? No, no it doesn’t.  Certainly I have had the gift of parenting.  But I still morn the others.  Having a new baby doesn’t negate the pain of the others…just like a new love doesn’t make you forget about an old love.  I lived in an almost constant state of panic while pregnant with my daughters.  This will be no different.

One thing that is making my fear worse is honestly Dr. Google.  ZOMG!!! Google is the worst thing ever for looking up baby related information.  I have to stop. I must…seriously someone block google from my computer.  My heart aches for some of the stories, and some of them I think it’s awesome you are sharing but really…you are just scaring people.  Sometimes things go okay.  Some times your HCG doesn’t double, but it’ll be okay, and sometimes they just see a gestational sac but it doesn’t mean you have a blighted ovum.  OR it’s okay to have some cramps early on.  WHEW. I think my google days are coming to a close.  

SO I’ll end this with my fear is what I fear the most right now.  I want to bask in the glory of my BFP.  Stare nonstop at the nursery furniture I picked out on Friday and think about how the heck I’ll afford it! I do not want to hold a piece of my heart back from this baby because I’m afraid of losing him / her.  That isn’t a good way to start.  5 days till the second ultrasound.  I can’t wait.


Addison or Ethan August 17, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:44 am
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Dear future son or daughter,

Tomorrow I will drag my tail to a lab, they’ll test my blood and in 24 hours our lives will change.  I am terrified, more so than any other time in my life of what the results will be, not when I first rode a roller coaster, nothing like the other really difficult times in my life…this, this is something else.  It’s about you.  I want you so much, I long to feel you grow, I can’t wait to be sick as hell during the next few weeks, and the thought of feeling you kick makes me weak.  The numbers I receive over the phone line will make or break our dreams.  I tried to be brave, but I’m not.  My heart is raw with fear, it’s hard to describe how you can love someone so much, especially when that someone can’t be seen with the naked eye.

You are the result of years of wishing and hoping and longing to have a piece of us on this earth.  We love you so much, and would do anything,  give anything just to have you with us one more second.  Your daddy has waited his whole life for a child, nearly 36 years.  He’s ready for you.   I’m beyond ready to love you.  We’ve got a pretty nice life this family, it’d be worth it to stick around and see how it plays out.  I promise, there will be toys (you already have some including but not limited to a sock monkey…come on kid a sock monkey you have to see that!) movies, fun, tickles, laughter, vacations, TURKEY meat (oy with the turkey meat) big cookies, facebook  (HA!) and photos.  SO many photos.  I pledge that you’ll know we love you, you’ll grow up in a peaceful house, you won’t know sadness (or at least we’ll shield you as much as we can) your parents will stay married no matter what, (None of this every other weekend nonsense) all in all….it’ll be good. 

So kiddo…please stay strong, take whatever you need, settle in.  I will send down some chocolate, pickles, hot name it it’s yours.  Just don’t leave.




BFP…Big Fat. Perhaps? August 16, 2011

2 of the 4 I have taken.  I’ve learned I rather enjoy peeing on things…especially when there are 2 lines instead of 1.  I should be happy right? I should be you are right. I am happy. I am also terrified. Petrified.  paralyzed with fear.  I had some strange pains that drove me to urgent care where the care was neither urgent nor clear in their information. I understand I’m 4 weeks 5 days and nothing can be seen through an ultrasound but still…the pain is significant.  The ultrasound did show a cyst. They did not put my mind at ease about the cyst and say FAGGGEETTABOUTTTIT. It’s nothing, that cyst there, that cyst is evil and is causing all the pains. SIGH.  Medical professionals just do not seems to deal with my crazy well.  I know I’m crazy, I know I’m panicky, I know that I am not rational. That is fine, I get to be all of these things because I f’ing live here. I am so deeply emotionally involved with this process I cannot and will not unplug. I don’t roll that way.  I am seriously thinking about shopping doctors.   Anyways my HCG level was 309. We retest on Wednesday. Results I’m assuming will be Thursday.  I cannot wait to have the panic subside.

In the meantime I’ll look at this picture:

And think about how cute our babies will be…because the gene pool isn’t too shabby (at least on the right side of the photo!) how could you not want to have lots and lots of that mans babies.  🙂