Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

BFP…Big Fat. Perhaps? August 16, 2011

2 of the 4 I have taken.  I’ve learned I rather enjoy peeing on things…especially when there are 2 lines instead of 1.  I should be happy right? I should be you are right. I am happy. I am also terrified. Petrified.  paralyzed with fear.  I had some strange pains that drove me to urgent care where the care was neither urgent nor clear in their information. I understand I’m 4 weeks 5 days and nothing can be seen through an ultrasound but still…the pain is significant.  The ultrasound did show a cyst. They did not put my mind at ease about the cyst and say FAGGGEETTABOUTTTIT. It’s nothing, that cyst there, that cyst is evil and is causing all the pains. SIGH.  Medical professionals just do not seems to deal with my crazy well.  I know I’m crazy, I know I’m panicky, I know that I am not rational. That is fine, I get to be all of these things because I f’ing live here. I am so deeply emotionally involved with this process I cannot and will not unplug. I don’t roll that way.  I am seriously thinking about shopping doctors.   Anyways my HCG level was 309. We retest on Wednesday. Results I’m assuming will be Thursday.  I cannot wait to have the panic subside.

In the meantime I’ll look at this picture:

And think about how cute our babies will be…because the gene pool isn’t too shabby (at least on the right side of the photo!) how could you not want to have lots and lots of that mans babies.  🙂


Too Weak Wait August 5, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:44 am
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Just having one of those evenings when I see baby pictures on FB and hear status’ updates on FB about ultra sounds and think this is never going to be us.  The 2 week wait kicks my ass. I waited 3 years to undo my stupid decisions, I wish I could just blink and see to pink lines.  I find myself being irritated with (what I deem) unfit mothers in stores or on TV and think there is no justice.  WHY do they get babies whom are unkempt and ignored and we are ready, willing, able and above all READY to have this gift and there are days when it feels like it’s never going to happen.   Do other TR mom’s go through this? UGH.  CD22 of a 30 days cycle.  I guess the good news is tomorrow it’ll be only 7 days until I can test.  And I’m fighting the urge to buy an early detection test like nobody’s business.


Climbing July 23, 2011

Filed under: TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:55 pm
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CD9 The roller coaster car is climbing the hill..I can hear the chains click click click…any moment we’ll crest the hill and again it begins.  The CM and CP checks, the sex (which HELLO not complaining) the baby aspirin, robotussin, OPK’s and God willing a HPT with  a BFP. I know I’m new to this, but OMG I am scared out of my mind.  I read non stop IF blogs.  How ya’ll do it and do it for so long I’m not sure.  All I have on my side is faith and hope.  I can only trust it is enough.

One thing that is interesting about blogging is the fact that I can look back to a post written one year ago and I see that I was charting and trying to understand what happens almost a year before I had my surgery…very interesting.  A year ago I didn’t understand my cycle.  You know what spring forward a year, I know  A LOT about my cycle, but I am still unclear if any of it matters.  All I want is a baby, why does it all have to be so confusing. I wish I could go back to the days of getting knocked up when I didn’t want to and was trying like hell to NOT be knocked up.  The statistics and the numbers can drive you insane.  I’m fastly approaching crazy.  If I haven’t already arrived.


Wasted July 16, 2011

Filed under: TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:46 am
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Well Obviously we ARE NOT pregnant. One cycle wasted, all my fellow TTC’ers just laughed because 1 cycle…GUUURRLLL you got a long ways to go! BUT I’m still upset about, I mean I timed it, I KNEW when, but I also knew something was wrong.  SO during the pointless visit with Dr. K he agreed to a plan.  The plan is as follows, first let’s check the hormones, make sure nothing is a miss…waiting on results, if we are still not preggers in 3 months, Mike gets to give us a sample (which BTW he’s ready willing and able..SICKO  LOVE HIM) and if that is clear and we are still not preggers by November it’s GAME ON.  Bring on whatever test, medication etc they have out there because this baby making needs to get under way 🙂 HA!  Still the best part of TTC’ing is the trying. *WINK*


7.12.2011 July 12, 2011

Filed under: TTC HPT BFP and ME,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 2:29 am
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Tomorrow is the day that AF is supposed to arrive.  Will it be? Or not? Who knows.  I do know that I’ve got a plan of attack if it does show. A couple things I’ll be using  Robitussin.  Yes that is right Robitussin….also on my list of weapons a fancy BBT.  AND Preseed.  I’m not leaving one thing to chance.  1 wasted cycle is enough.   🙂 Wish us luck.  We selfishly covet your prayers.


The one about the crushing. July 10, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,TTC HPT BFP and ME,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 10:21 pm
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Since it is glaringly obvious in the photo above I’m (well someone is, you do not know my feet and have no idea its ME) in a gown, foot is sans shoe or sock, and I’m nervous since I’m taking photos…yep I’m getting the physical, the yearly uncomfortable situation all us ladies endure…problem being I had not been in years (hold your comments…I know) I went through 6 years of hell, I just didn’t care, then hubs decided to throw the whole “YEAH I want my own kids” up in the mix and guess who had to start thinking about these things again. MOI.  anyways.  The appointment started off with a visit to the damn dirty liar of a scale and since we are TTC they wanted a urine sample, now let me keep it real here.  I was on 7/6/2011 on day 23 of a my typically 29 day cycle, even the best of the best first response / clear blue easy / EPT’s out there are pushed to their limits in detecting HCG that early but why not, I’ll humor these jokers and give them my sample….I proceeded to my room, donned the sweet gown you see above and waited…truly forgetting about the pregnancy test because  last month was weird, I normally have every single symptom of ovulation…this month NADA.  I also ovulated on my left side which is not be best side, so when they wanted to test I thought HA, yeah.  The doctor comes in the room, we start chatting he begins various tests that I’ll spare you the details on, then the door flies open and the nurse says “IT’S POSITIVE” I of course started to cry, because HELLO folks this is the BFP….the biggest fattest positive of my life.  I kept looking at the doctor begging him to tell me she is wrong…nothing, he says they are almost NEVER wrong.  So he wraps up the balance of my tests, they write my orders up for an OB ultra sound, send me to the lab for a serum pregnancy test and are all CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Now let me break it down…I know me, I’ve lived here nearly 35 years, I know I am not pregnant at this point, but I WANTED to be so much, and with not only the doctor saying hell yeah you are and EVEN throwing in the comment of “That looks like a pregnant cervix to me!” I was 98%  leaning their way.  I of course bought some HPT to be sure and after telling my husband, texting my BFF…I settled into the balance of my work day with a feeling of OMG….we did it.  ONLY to have it all destroyed within hours.  I got home, did both tests, both negative.  I knew it.  I cried all night ya’ll.  We were told to contact the doctor’s office around 10:00 a.m. for the results. THEY called me, NEVER a good sign,  this nurse….who I have no idea how I’ll ever look at again starts this conversation with “Was your husband excited” then proceeds to tell me your results are negative BUT Dr. still thinks you are because of the test here….and wants to see you in a week.  I have never in my life wanted to rip a persons throat out through a phone cord as I did in that moment.  Of course my husband was excited, this is his first child….and now that is gone and I get to tell him as much. 

Thursday at 11:00 a.m. I am supposed to go in and see the doctor for a re-test, my AF is set to start in 2 days, I am 100% asymptomatic of pregnancy and I want to start doctor shopping.  They both left a horrible taste in my mouth and I’m just crushed.  WE are crushed.  This wasn’t what we needed at this moment.   I pray like hell that there is some totally random chance we are, but I know in my heart this was a wasted cycle and we’ll be right back at it again.  I don’t think I’m strong enough to be a woman who struggles with infertility.  Not that I can really classify myself as that now but it’s just a really hard situation to think about and this wasn’t good.