Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

All we have to fear……………. August 21, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:01 pm
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I took this photo this morning while out for a much shorter walk than what I normally would do, I love the way the flowers hang down and the planters look next to the road.  They do a nice job.  While I was walking my mind drifted away to next summer and what these walks might look like.  I’m guessing I’ll be a little rounder, a little more motivated to push myself further and God willing I’ll be pushing not only myself but one of those fancy strollers I swooned over at Babies R Us on Friday.  You know the one’s…the ones you mortgage your house for but have to have! HA.  And just as I think about a little baby sleeping away the miles the panic sets in, my throat gets tight my eyes sting with tears and I can’t breathe.  I am terrified of losing this baby.

I have lost 3 babies.  I don’t “go there” much and talk about it because it’s painful, it’s private and it hurts like hell.   My fear, anxiety and terror are rooted in both reality and experience.  Every time the bottom fell out before it seemed like I had finally relaxed and began to plan and then it would happen.  I didn’t have the luxury of those “early miscarriages” mine were later, more painful, more searing and changing.  My losses were chalked up to “Gods Plan” low progesterone and my least favorite “Natures way of getting rid of something that wasn’t right”  Yeah that one sticks with you.  Even if it’s true it’s cruel to say to a woman soaked in her own blood laying on a gurney.  Sick and cruel.  But that is what I lived through.  More than once.  Painful, bloody miscarriages (sorry graphic, but it’s the truth) No one talks about the physical pain you go through, the emotional pain is implied. 

I have also given birth twice to two beautiful souls who beat the odds in my broken sorta wonky uterus.  My pregnancies were not easy, they ended way ahead of schedule but I did it.  I left 2 maternity wards with 2 babies.  Everyone says well doesn’t that make up for the other 3? No, no it doesn’t.  Certainly I have had the gift of parenting.  But I still morn the others.  Having a new baby doesn’t negate the pain of the others…just like a new love doesn’t make you forget about an old love.  I lived in an almost constant state of panic while pregnant with my daughters.  This will be no different.

One thing that is making my fear worse is honestly Dr. Google.  ZOMG!!! Google is the worst thing ever for looking up baby related information.  I have to stop. I must…seriously someone block google from my computer.  My heart aches for some of the stories, and some of them I think it’s awesome you are sharing but really…you are just scaring people.  Sometimes things go okay.  Some times your HCG doesn’t double, but it’ll be okay, and sometimes they just see a gestational sac but it doesn’t mean you have a blighted ovum.  OR it’s okay to have some cramps early on.  WHEW. I think my google days are coming to a close.  

SO I’ll end this with my fear is what I fear the most right now.  I want to bask in the glory of my BFP.  Stare nonstop at the nursery furniture I picked out on Friday and think about how the heck I’ll afford it! I do not want to hold a piece of my heart back from this baby because I’m afraid of losing him / her.  That isn’t a good way to start.  5 days till the second ultrasound.  I can’t wait.


Hold your happy August 19, 2011

Filed under: Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,I hate it.,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:31 am
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HCG 8/15/11 ~ 301

HCG 8/17/2011 ~ 749

Pain continues. Referred to an OBGYN specialist 8/18/2011

Fear continues, tears a~plenty, comfort level -1000.  Desire to have this baby…cannot be measured.   We retest HCG again 8/19/2011 and hope to meet with the specialist same day.  More updates to come.


Too Weak Wait August 5, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:44 am
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Just having one of those evenings when I see baby pictures on FB and hear status’ updates on FB about ultra sounds and think this is never going to be us.  The 2 week wait kicks my ass. I waited 3 years to undo my stupid decisions, I wish I could just blink and see to pink lines.  I find myself being irritated with (what I deem) unfit mothers in stores or on TV and think there is no justice.  WHY do they get babies whom are unkempt and ignored and we are ready, willing, able and above all READY to have this gift and there are days when it feels like it’s never going to happen.   Do other TR mom’s go through this? UGH.  CD22 of a 30 days cycle.  I guess the good news is tomorrow it’ll be only 7 days until I can test.  And I’m fighting the urge to buy an early detection test like nobody’s business.


Climbing July 23, 2011

Filed under: TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:55 pm
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CD9 The roller coaster car is climbing the hill..I can hear the chains click click click…any moment we’ll crest the hill and again it begins.  The CM and CP checks, the sex (which HELLO not complaining) the baby aspirin, robotussin, OPK’s and God willing a HPT with  a BFP. I know I’m new to this, but OMG I am scared out of my mind.  I read non stop IF blogs.  How ya’ll do it and do it for so long I’m not sure.  All I have on my side is faith and hope.  I can only trust it is enough.

One thing that is interesting about blogging is the fact that I can look back to a post written one year ago and I see that I was charting and trying to understand what happens almost a year before I had my surgery…very interesting.  A year ago I didn’t understand my cycle.  You know what spring forward a year, I know  A LOT about my cycle, but I am still unclear if any of it matters.  All I want is a baby, why does it all have to be so confusing. I wish I could go back to the days of getting knocked up when I didn’t want to and was trying like hell to NOT be knocked up.  The statistics and the numbers can drive you insane.  I’m fastly approaching crazy.  If I haven’t already arrived.


Peace April 5, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,Love it — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:03 pm
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I have never been a chill kinda gal.  I’m high strung, type A, perfectionist.  That is just how I’m wired.  So when undertaking such a situation as changing my life and placing all said change in the hands of a stranger I’ve never met and more than likely will never see again after he connects the broken parts of my innerd’s I’ve been how you say??? Key’d up!  Until today.

Last night as I lay in bed, I prayed.  I pray everyday and not just in the context of “oh man oh man please don’t let that phone ring 2 minutes to 5 so I can leave on time” prayer, I pray for my friends, for safety of my families, for peace where there is none, for strength in the weak etc.  Last night was different, I prayed specifically for those people who have wronged me.  It was weird to say, Dear Lord please bless my ex may he find happiness, I even prayed for my husbands ex (who while NO ONE doesn’t deserve prayers she’s one that NEEDS prayers just not prayers said by me) I felt good after.  There is something to be said about praying for someone and for other reasons than your own.   I drifted off to sleep with a sense of peace.

Typically when I think about our trip to Louisville I think about all the stuff that has to get done, like cash for my brother who is house sitting and watching the girls, or gas money or making sure the directions are in the garmin, laundry, cat food….but today when I thought about the trip that is now a mere 26 days away (OMG!) it wasn’t about the tasks, it was just peace and joy. Contentment about this process, that even if it doesn’t work, which it might not….I know that I am blessed with two healthy daughters, a husband who I love more than my own life, a job (which who can ever forget to NOT be thankful for work to do!) a nice home etc…. If more children are not in our future I still feel like there is more to our story.  Perhaps adoption is the path we’ll take, or invitro will call our names.  Despite all of the uncertainty, this story isn’t over as the last stitch is sewn.  If anything it’s only beginning.  So while we’ve counted down to this, it’s really just a count down to the start.  How amazing is that.

All things come from The Father, the love, the peace, the joy, the tears, the lessons.  I hope I can always keep this perspective.


40 days March 25, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Love it,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 10:21 am
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Woke up this morning to my phone alerting me that we have a mere 40 days left until our trip and until our lives are changed forever.  This being the sacred time of Lent for myself and millions of other faith filled folks the significance of 40 days was not lost on me.  40 days until my life and the life of our family is changed.  This brought tears to my eyes.  I cannot wait to be on the other side of this journey, I cannot wait to be able to try, to be able to work towards, I cannot wait for the chance.  The chance to see, and know and love our children.  I cannot wait to see my husband be a father to children that share his DNA.  This process has made our marriage (which was already going awesome) that much better. 

40 days until May 5, 2011.


For this child I prayed August 21, 2010

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him ~ Samuel 1:27

For this Etsy seller here (dear Etsy seller, you know that I know and now the readers know I didn’t accept any gifts in exchange for this shout out, I’m just in awe of your product and will be ordering one SOON, your choice of Adde is what caught my eye!)

For this amazing seller go here (same goes for this seller, not paid, just in awe!)

Why am I cruising Etsy and all hours of the night? Because I’m a hopeless night owl, which is of course a nice word for insomniac!  I had an overly stressful day, but the thought of these children our “Addison or Brennan” they are what helps me continue on.  They will be the gift, that I will be given for perseverance  in the face of so much that is working against us.  Their souls, those little beings waiting in the wings for us to put everything into place for them to arrive is so much motiviation! I will never be able to describe how much I want to see them.

We are on the brink of an anniverary,  the loss of my first husband to cancer.  It’s been 7 years.  When I see the number 7 I am taken aback.  How can that be?  He’s been gone longer from our daughters lives than he was in them.  That fact breaks my heart.  Someone told me recently on FB that I’d come and gone a long ways since high school.  I completely agree with that statement.  I’ve been taken to places I never dreamed anyone could go let alone me.  But now we, Michael and I are traveling into uncharted waters, we at the age of…..well let’s just leave that out are about to start over with parenting.  We go backwards quickly in time to day 1. Diapers, formula, what are they supposed to be doing and when?  Just when I think that will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done….I remember, no, no the hardest thing I have ever done, and hope to ever do was trying to explain that the father the girls loved would never ever be alive on this planet again.