Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Update August 20, 2011

HCG ~ 1700+

Transvaginal ultrasound showed a gestational sac in the uterus.  Progesterone 14. Things look good…real good. But we’ll rescan on Friday just to see if a yoke sac is present and God Willing a heartbeat. 

As I sat in the little room at the doctors office I peaked out the window and within my field of view I saw 4 crosses on top of a church next door.  It gave me peace.  Peace that My God Is Faithful, God Is Good, God Is Just.  No matter what that scan showed me I knew it in that moment that all I already knew to be true, was true.  For some reason those crosses were a sign to me.  I am humbled to have gotten this far in having another baby.  What a Gift our God Gives us.  I know that this baby is not mine, he / she is not my husbands, he / she belongs to God.  I will never lose sight of how blessed we are to have conceived at all.  It was not my testing, charting, reasearch.  It was and will always be a gift from above.


Hold your happy August 19, 2011

Filed under: Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,I hate it.,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:31 am
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HCG 8/15/11 ~ 301

HCG 8/17/2011 ~ 749

Pain continues. Referred to an OBGYN specialist 8/18/2011

Fear continues, tears a~plenty, comfort level -1000.  Desire to have this baby…cannot be measured.   We retest HCG again 8/19/2011 and hope to meet with the specialist same day.  More updates to come.


Addison or Ethan August 17, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:44 am
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Dear future son or daughter,

Tomorrow I will drag my tail to a lab, they’ll test my blood and in 24 hours our lives will change.  I am terrified, more so than any other time in my life of what the results will be, not when I first rode a roller coaster, nothing like the other really difficult times in my life…this, this is something else.  It’s about you.  I want you so much, I long to feel you grow, I can’t wait to be sick as hell during the next few weeks, and the thought of feeling you kick makes me weak.  The numbers I receive over the phone line will make or break our dreams.  I tried to be brave, but I’m not.  My heart is raw with fear, it’s hard to describe how you can love someone so much, especially when that someone can’t be seen with the naked eye.

You are the result of years of wishing and hoping and longing to have a piece of us on this earth.  We love you so much, and would do anything,  give anything just to have you with us one more second.  Your daddy has waited his whole life for a child, nearly 36 years.  He’s ready for you.   I’m beyond ready to love you.  We’ve got a pretty nice life this family, it’d be worth it to stick around and see how it plays out.  I promise, there will be toys (you already have some including but not limited to a sock monkey…come on kid a sock monkey you have to see that!) movies, fun, tickles, laughter, vacations, TURKEY meat (oy with the turkey meat) big cookies, facebook  (HA!) and photos.  SO many photos.  I pledge that you’ll know we love you, you’ll grow up in a peaceful house, you won’t know sadness (or at least we’ll shield you as much as we can) your parents will stay married no matter what, (None of this every other weekend nonsense) all in all….it’ll be good. 

So kiddo…please stay strong, take whatever you need, settle in.  I will send down some chocolate, pickles, hot name it it’s yours.  Just don’t leave.