Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

My heart. August 12, 2011

Filed under: Love it,TTC,Tubal Reversal — bloggingreluctantly @ 11:47 pm
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AF doth approach..this much I know.  NOW last month I was wrecked.  This month. Not so much.  I think I’m chalking it up to “W” our last name begins with a “W” and hubs and I say that our last name is just bad luck.  SO welcome AF.  How we missed thee…NOT…BITCH.  anyways.  I have decided to hang up my thermometer, chart, checking and let go.  I cannot allow it to consume me, which it totally has.  I am overly controlling so this ought to be interesting.  In the meantime of waiting for this dreadful curse to arrive I have been thinking.  Thinking about what and where I go if this surgery doesn’t work.  Where does it leave me?  I know that I am not ready to be “done” parenting.  I know that in just 4 years when my oldest graduates I will not feel like “vacation time PARTY ON!” I will weep because my mommy gig…shouldn’t be done.  I want to keep going. 

With that said…what is next? IVF? HELL NO.  I know, I know it’s a miracle, it’s amazing, it’s making barren women mothers by the truck load but this girl will not be hopping on the IVF train.  I can spend $15K and never have a baby, or I can spend $30K and have a baby for sure.  SO adoption is what is on my heart.  If Hubs and I can’t get an egg and sperm together the natural (and f’ing fun way!) then I feel like that is Gods wish.  Maybe adoption is the route we are to take.   I would love a domestic infant adoption, but my heart longs for international, specifically Russia.  I love Russia, I’ve have always ALWAYS even since I was little wanted to visit.  Maybe the reason Russia has always intrigued me is because my future son or daughter(s) are going to be from there.  Who knows..I don’t. No one does.  That is the mystery of life.  I can only do with what is provided to me.  I know that my time as a mother is not ending soon.  I know they’ll be another act.  If it’s not a baby who shares my DNA that so be it. 

To quote my favorite movie “Shelby  Robin don’t be stupid there is plenty of kids who need good homes..hell we’ll buy em’ if we have to” (steel magnolias) NOT that I would really buy a child, but in the end that is what adoption feels like and seems like.  I need very much to focus on the options and not focus on what might not work.  That is too painful and crushing. I can’t even sorta glance at the prospect of that.  I just can’t right now.  It’s too raw, and too painful.