Blogging Reluctantly

Our Life. Our Memories. My point of view on both. Captured here.

Ya know… September 1, 2011

Filed under: Addie / B.Boy Wilson,Babies By Levin,BFP AND ME,I hate it. — bloggingreluctantly @ 12:52 am
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What I hate. I hate this mid-week scare that I have waiting for Friday.  Friday is our next ultrasound and somewhere around this time of the “wait” is when I think about how this is never going to work out.  How I won’t see a heartbeat and I’ll have this image in my head that I’ll chew on over and over of a blank ultrasound screen.  No happy feelings, just a miserable memory that will haunt us.  I hate this.  Initially I wanted 3 more children.  To tell you the truth if we have a boy first (and IF this pregnancy lasts) this may be it.  I have never been so scared.  I want off this roller coaster.  (not by a miscarriage) I want so badly to enjoy this pregnancy.   I also think that starting to have OB appointments this early is horrible.  You know to much, you fear to much, you have all of these people making you feel like it’s all gonna go down the drain.  Imagine if I didn’t step foot inside an OB office for 3 more weeks.  OH MY HELL all this stress wouldn’t be.  I know to much. 

I feel turned inside out.  Maybe it’s the Crinone…maybe it’s just life because we are BUSY YO. (can I can a HELL YEAH on school starting???) BUT me thinks it’s my lack of control.  I hate not having control.  I know that I’m not in control but DAMN IT I want to be…..A panic attack can’t be far away.

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Too Weak Wait August 5, 2011

Filed under: I hate it.,TTC,TTC HPT BFP and ME — bloggingreluctantly @ 1:44 am
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Just having one of those evenings when I see baby pictures on FB and hear status’ updates on FB about ultra sounds and think this is never going to be us.  The 2 week wait kicks my ass. I waited 3 years to undo my stupid decisions, I wish I could just blink and see to pink lines.  I find myself being irritated with (what I deem) unfit mothers in stores or on TV and think there is no justice.  WHY do they get babies whom are unkempt and ignored and we are ready, willing, able and above all READY to have this gift and there are days when it feels like it’s never going to happen.   Do other TR mom’s go through this? UGH.  CD22 of a 30 days cycle.  I guess the good news is tomorrow it’ll be only 7 days until I can test.  And I’m fighting the urge to buy an early detection test like nobody’s business.